Category Archives: OCD

The Lowdown on Psychotherapy

Juliette Kochenderfer-Moore writes:

I also question why some people want to work in therapy sometimes, and the endless job titles have my head spinning.

Is a  therapist the same as a counselor? What the hell is a psychotherapist? A psychoanalyst? Are a psychologist and psychiatrist the same thing?

Seriously. Most of them seem totally bored out of their minds at what they do for a living. Why are we paying bucket loads of money to go get labeled and undergo “treatment,” of which the success rate is dubious?

Most are not bored, most therapists enjoy what they are doing, I have liked most of my therapists, and I thought most of them were very smart.

Also it can be very good money. Licensed therapists can make a lot of money.

Anyone can be a “counselor” in California. Even you can. But hardly anyone does it because realistically, who is going to pay you good money to sit there and listen to their problems?

A psychotherapist is someone with a credential – in California, either a Clinical Psychologist, a Psychiatrist, a Masters in Social Work, or a Licensed Clinical Social Worker.

A psychoanalyst practices Freudian psychoanalysis. This seems to be going out, as a lot of it has not stood up to scientific scrutiny.

A psychologist is a Clinical Psychologist. They have a PhD. Most of them are extremely good.

A psychiatrist is an MD. They are medical doctors. I don’t like them quite as much as the Clinical Psychologists. I think Clinical Psychologists actually understand psychology and the psyche better than Psychiatrists. Nowadays Psychiatrists are mostly just drug pushers. If you want drugs, you need to go to a Psychiatrist.

Therapy is costly. I think psychotherapy is a luxury good that is available only in wealthy societies. You don’t really need it, but it can really make you feel better. I am convinced that many to even most 3rd World people could benefit from psychotherapy, but their societies are too poor, so they cannot afford these things.

Labeling is generally a good idea. Only 14% of the population has a personality disorder. That’s not a lot. Most people with a PD diagnosis definitely are very difficult people at best, I assure you. I say this because I have known a number of Personality Disordered persons for decades, and they are truly impossible and infuriating human beings. There is no way on Earth that is normal behavior. It’s not acceptable to act abrasive and annoying such that you screw up your own life and that of everyone around you. That’s not a definition of mental health.

Most people with anxiety disorders really have them. If you do diagnosis properly, and you put the person on the right drug, it is amazing what you can do.

I think it is incredible just how “syndromal” a lot of these conditions are. I work with OCD people, and this is a syndrome if I ever saw one. All of these people seem like they are reading off the same script. I know them so well that I can almost spot one half a mile away blindfolded. Also I can practically crawl up around in the brains of my clients and tell them exactly what they are thinking because I know exactly how this illness makes you think.

The Personality Disorders are also very “syndromal,” often shockingly so.

Why so many mental disorders look nearly as syndromal as physical disorders is a mystery, but I think a good answer might be that of all of the possible ways of acting crazy, humans are somehow limited to a small subset of all such craziness due to the limitations of the human brain and condition. In other words, because there are only a certain number of ways to go nuts, humans tend to go nuts in very syndromal like patterns that look a lot like physical illnesses in the way they seem to come as a “package.”

Some people are so nervous that they just do not function well. Others are going round and round about other anxiety like conditions. Panic Disorder is crippling. PTSD is a very bad illness.

Depression is real. I have known some depressives who simply cannot function at all due to extreme depression. It is almost like they have a physical condition.

Bipolar disorder is as straight up syndrome, and these people are just not well. It’s not even really ok to be hypomanic. They’re not rational, they don’t act very sensibly, and the irritable ones are insufferable jerks who quarrel and fight with everyone all the time. Full blown mania is so non-adaptive that the person almost needs to be committed so they don’t completely destroy their lives during the episode.

It’s not ok to be psychotic. Psychotic people cannot function and are often a danger to themselves or others. They desperately need to be treated.

Schizophrenia is a full-blown illness in which there is something wrong with their brains.

Many of these illnesses are highly genetic, with Manic Depression and OCD showing some of the highest loadings of all, near 85%. Obviously these people simply have something wrong with their brains.

Psychotherapy is overpriced, but we are all doing therapy with each other all the time. Anytime you talk to any of your friends or loved ones about any psychological stuff they have going and try to give them advice on how to deal with it, you are doing therapy. Anytime you try to help people to live their lives better, function better, quit making dumb mistakes and stop engaging in unhealthy behavior patterns, you are doing psychotherapy.

The problem is that most people do not want to help you get over your troubles or teach you how to function better and quit doing nonadaptive things. Also therapists have a lot of training, and they are simply better than your ordinary person off the street at such things.

But really anytime you talk to a very wise person who gives you a lot of good wisdom on how to live your life, solve your problems, function better and stop doing non-adaptive things, you are basically getting psychotherapy, as the best therapists are simply very wise people who help you by sharing some of their wisdom with you.

Psychotherapy works very well, and it certainly works as well as the competition.

What is the competition?

Get better on your own? Talk to your friends and family get them to talk you out of it? Go to church? Read some books? Get a girlfriend or boyfriend? Get a better job? Move to a new area? Join a cult? Join a self-help movement? Go to the gym? Read Manosphere Blogs and learn Game?

None of that stuff works as well as psychotherapy for helping people with diagnosed proven psychological disorders. And none of it works as well as psychotherapy for even problems in living, growth work (trying to grow as a person) or deep work (trying to delve into the depths of your psyche and figure yourself out).

The only thing that works better than psychotherapy for a lot of things is drugs. These are psychiatric drugs and they do have a lot of side effects.

Really the best treatment is psychotherapy + drugs.

I deal with OCD’ers. When OCD is very bad, I feel that psychotherapy is useless. The person’s mind is just too far gone for the therapy to do any good work. It’s like banging your head into a wall. You can do the therapy over and over, but it won’t sink in because there is something wrong with your brain. Therapy with a messed up brain is like filling up the gas tank of a car with serious mechanical problems. That gas won’t get you very well (in other words, it won’t even work well) until you fix the car so it can run well enough to even use the gas in the first place. Once you fix up the car, now you can put gas in it, change the oil, check the fluids and all of that, and that’s finally useful.

On the other hand, drugs alone don’t seem to really cut it. I have found that when you are on a really good drug, you can start using all the great stuff you learned in psychotherapy, and now the therapy really starts working. The sad thing is that psychotherapy works best on a fairly healthy brain. You have to get your brain into a fairly healthy place to where the therapy can even function at all.

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Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Depression, Health, Medicine, Mental Illness, Mood Disorders, OCD, Personality Disorders, Psychology, Psychopathology, Psychotherapy, Psychotic Disorders, Schizophrenia

OCD-Psychosis Borderline Cases

Lynn writes:

I’m really struggling with schiz-related OCD, and I know that for a fact. However, what I’m not sure about is whether I have schizophrenia (or maybe schizotypal personality) as well… or if it’s just the OCD, or if I might even also have factitious disorder imitating schizophrenia.

So, about me:

I first noticed OCD symptoms in myself when I was about 14, though it may have been subclinical then. It took the forms of “wanting to be a good person”, order/symmetry/pattern stuff, and the occasional vague “I need to do X or Y will go wrong somehow”. As I got older the order and symmetry faded somewhat and the “good person” got bad–for example, fears of violence to the point of feeling weapons in my hands and needing to rub them against surfaces to make sure nothing was actually there.

This later came to include an obsession with schizophrenia, but not of the “I’m afraid I have it” sort–rather, I wanted to prove I had it because that would provide an explanation for certain things wrong with me, taking the blame off of me, and subsequently I realised I could be (likely was) faking symptoms and started to obsessively examine if all my so-called symptoms were legitimate. I could be exaggerating, or outright fabricating.

On the other hand, I was the star pupil in my high school for the first two and a half years. All my teachers loved me. Then in the second semester of my junior year, I started skipping classes and forgetting assignments, gradually stopped bathing, started getting comments (sometimes concerned, sometimes angry) about how I never paid attention in class and my writing had gone from excellent to a mess of unnecessary words and long tangents…

Other students started to call me “weird” and avoid me, and those who were my friends either cut contact or pointed out as nicely as possible that my social and conversational skills were terrible and it made me really difficult to deal with. In response to all of this, I thought “eh, whatever, I don’t really care about school or friends anyway”, eventually dropped most of my classes, graduated early, and spent the next few years locked in my bedroom playing online games and watching anime.

I had a couple friends online, however, and the opportunity came to move out and stay with one of them when I was 21. I lived with her and her girlfriend (all three of us were bisexual) for a few weeks, but three things came up in that time.

First, my attention span and general awareness was next to none, and sometimes it was to the point that I would just stare at people really confused when they spoke to me, totally unable to make sense of their words.

Second, my roommates told me a few times that things I remembered them saying to me had never been said.

Third, I was convinced that the other girl was just trying to use me to pay the rent, had no intention of accommodating me as a proper roommate, and was taking incriminating pictures of me to show the police to kick me out. She did actually call the police, however, so I was probably right. She hated me. Bad. I did start to think I might be reaching a little when I accused her of stealing money out of my wallet, and I now think I was probably wrong on that, however.

I ended up moving back in with my family, and a couple months later the idea that I might have schizophrenia first crossed my mind. I thought about it off and on for months, but it seemed like a huge stretch, so I shelved it eventually.

Over the next year I would start seeing shadow bugs (like the typical shadow people, but the size of and moving like bugs), thinking people were breaking into my window at night… Move out again, fear that people were going to kidnap or rape me, that they were following me and planning to mug me, see whole crowds of people just coldly stare at me on the streets for several seconds…

And then over the next year after that, I’d move back with my family (evicted this time, for being a bad roommate–spending all day lying in bed and never doing chores), start noticing my hands looked strange, occasionally hear a voice repeating my thoughts aloud, and then…

And then my OCD landed on the subject of schizophrenia when researching why I was so lazy, and it was sort of like a million bells went off at once saying “YES HELLO PLEASE NOTICE ME, YOU HAVE STRUCK GOLD” …And then I shrugged it off again after a couple months of intense obsession.

And started thinking people I met online were actually people I already knew in the past, but using different names and ages and such… They acted so similar though! And then the obsession would hit again.

So basically, right now I’m sort of thinking I’m an immortal nonhuman being who reincarnated into this plane and various others of my kind are active here and occasionally contact me but usually just monitor me from a distance while doing their own things with human experiments and such.

But then there are like three voices (not actual voices lol) in my head saying “you are delusional”, “you are faking being delusional”, and “you are just being OCD, calm down” and I don’t know which to believe and the more I think and research the more distressed I get.

So, um… What do you think? (please don’t say “e-mail me”!)

This comment appeared on one of my articles, so I will publish it while keeping anything about the person’s identity confidential as is proper.

There is clearly a psychotic process going on here that looks very much like classic schizophrenia. Then we also have some very classic OCD going on at the same time. The OCD came on at age 14, and the schizophrenia came on 2.5 years later at age 16. It has long been known that OCD sometimes appears as the leading edge of schizophrenia. Schizophrenia often occurs ~2 years after the onset of the OCD, and the schizophrenia might have some of the same OCD symptoms, now magnified to psychotic level.

I am aware of several cases of OCD preceding schizophrenia. In two cases, the OCD appeared quite early around age 11-12 and was extremely severe during high school years to the point where they were nearly disabled. The schizophrenia then appeared at the classic age of 19-20.

In another case, OCD appeared at age 19 and then schizophrenia occurred at the classic age of 23.

This data has been interpreted to show that OCD is a risk factor for schizophrenia. This interpretation is false. First of all, most if not all people with schizophrenia are now known to have been ill from a very early age, possibly form birth. The schizophrenia is simply subclinical until the real hard symptoms hit often in late adolescence to early adulthood. If schizophrenics have had the illness since birth, OCD cannot possibly be a risk factor for schizophrenia as OCD appears later in life, often in late childhood to adolescence.

The question then is whether OCD is a risk factor the triggering of full schizophrenic symptoms in someone with subclinical schizophrenia since birth. This is uncertain, but it is probably not the case. Probably the stress of OCD is not a risk factor for triggering full blown schizophrenia either, as in the cases above, full blown OCD occurred for 2, 4, and 7-9 years before the onset of full schizophrenia. OCD is a very stressful illness. If the stress of OCD triggered schizophrenia, it would trigger it very soon after the OCD onset, not 2-9 years later. Stress as a trigger for schizophrenia is typically a serious stress where the schizophrenia occurs soon after the stress, not years later like some sort of time bomb.

In recent years, there has been discussion of something called schizo-obsessive disorder. These are cases of OCD and schizophrenia in the same person where the OCD is impacting the schizophrenia. Often these people retain more insight into their delusional processes than typical schizophrenics as OCD is a disorder of doubt whereby schizophrenic is a disorder of knowing. So the OCD can lead to better reality testing where the factor of doubt may be introduced into delusional material.

Schizo-obsessive disorder is probably just OCD and schizophrenia occurring in the same individual with different onsets for each illness. Each illness is discrete and neither one was causative or the other, yet both illnesses are impacting each other probably via an endless feedback loop whereby they feed into each other like a dog chasing its tail and sometimes it is difficult to tell where one illness ends and the other begins.

The above case looks like classic schizo-obsessive disorder. Schneiderian symptoms such as hearing ones thoughts spoken out loud are common as are ideas of reference and in particular paranoia. The prototypical “voice in the head” of OCD is often quite a loud voice, louder than in most OCD cases. In fact it is so loud that sufferers sometimes worry that others must be able to hear their thoughts. There is sometimes difficult diagnostics between a very loud OCD voice and and worrying that others can hear it, which has more of an OCD character to hearing one’s thoughts spoken aloud which is more schizophrenic..

Auditory hallucinations occur, but they are not common.

Functioning is often better than for schizophrenics. In the above case, you can see that this person has been able to move out of the parental home several times. They had to move back home, but most schizophrenics would probably be too ill to even survive living on their own for any length of time.

Delusions are often reported but are then denied as the person says that they do not really believe this. This is because these people often cannot accept being delusional. Probably what is happening is that delusional material is simply being hidden and then denied when a clinician confronts the person with it. Paranoid and grandiose delusions are common.

Insight wavers between complete loss to partial to even full insight on a spectrum where the symptoms move back and forth along the spectrum without any particular order or reason. These people may be more likely to recognize that they have schizophrenia than other schizophrenics because the presence of OCD enables improved insight. It is common for sufferers to waver between believing they have schizophrenia, insisting that they do not, being unsure whether they have it or not or saying that they have some illness other than schizophrenia to explain symptoms.

Thought disorder is often present but is less severe than in schizophrenia. Often written and spoken communications with schizo-obsessives can be quite clear and cogent whereas most schizophrenic communications typically have an odd to incoherent character abut them.

Mood symptoms are sometimes present and can take a bipolar character.

They are often highly intelligent, much more intelligent than schizophrenics. This is because OCD tends to strike more intelligent persons.

Treatment is often difficult as atypical antipsychotics often worsen the OCD, in many cases dramatically so.

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Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Intelligence, Mental Illness, OCD, Psychology, Psychopathology, Psychotic Disorders, Schizophrenia

Voices and Pseudo-Voices in Psychosis and OCD: Differential Diagnosis

One of the symptoms that is nearly pathognomic of schizophrenia is hearing voices. In particular, the voices are heard with the ears (not inside your head like the voice or voices we all hear in our heads), they go quite a bit of the time (for significant periods a day to continuously), there is often more than one of them, they often comment on the person’s behavior as it is happening, they often speak about the person in the third person, and they often say bad or insulting things about the person.

Although voices can be heard in other illnesses, especially Bipolar Disorder and Major Depression, they often take on a different quality than we see with schizophrenia. In Bipolar Disorder, the voices are more fleeting than continuous, and there is often only one voice. During Psychotic Mania, the voice may as likely tell the person how special and great they are than anything else. Voices in Psychotic Depression generally do not go on all the time, are limited to a single voice, and tend to focus around themes of guilt, fatalism, serious illness, death, suicide, homicide, nonexistence and other morbid topics.

Honestly, there is nothing strange, odd or disordered about hearing the occasional voice. Many persons will experience hearing a voice or voices at rare, once in a blue moon intervals in their lives. Clinicians properly regard this as within the normal realm of human experience. It only when voices are regular, annoying, distracting, terrifying or depressing that there is a need to intervene.

People generally do not understand what it means to hear voices. Many people think that the voice inside your head is a “voice” and they confuse this with the voices heard in a psychosis. The truth is that we all have a voice or voices inside of our heads. That is called our inner voice. Nor is there anything special about having more than one voice in your head or having two voices arguing with each other in your head. In fact, it is more common than you think.

I have met many OCD sufferers who complain of “voices,” but they are always confusing their inner voice inside their head with the auditory hallucinations of psychosis.

There is a ready way to tell the difference.

Hallucinated voices are heard with your ears. If you were to hear an auditory hallucination right now and you were alone at home, the first thing you would do would be to start searching around your place for someone hiding in your residence. You might look behind the couch, under the bed, in the closet, out the window, etc.

This is because auditory hallucinations sound exactly like the voices of the humans around you that you have been hearing all of your life. You hear with them with your ears, not your head. If you could not find anyone in your place, you might start looking around for the transmitter or loudspeaker that is somehow piping the human voices into your abode. You won’t be able to find it.

You may tell other people about the voices and enlist their help in searching for the person hiding in the house. If you are in a vehicle, you might hear voices coming out of the radio. You might try to take your radio apart to find the “transmitter” inside of it. You might try to take part of your home apart, particularly the vents, to find the “speakers” (voices in residences often come out of heating vents).

I befriended a schizophrenic man once and we become very good friends. We hung out nearly every day for a year. He was always trying to enlist my help to take apart the vents in his house. He also wanted to take apart my car radio to find the transmitter in it.

Periodically, he would look up and say, “You hear that?” That is because he heard a voice. Of course, I heard nothing and I would say I heard nothing. He never believed me and he always looked at me like I was crazy. He heard the voice as clear as a bell and it seemed ridiculous that I could somehow not hear it. After a while, I got tired of fighting with him and I started making up excuses, telling him that he had bad hearing and that was why I cold not hear the voices.

He would be incredulous that I could not hear it. I started saying, “Well, I believe that you heard something coming out of the radio, but I didn’t hear anything there.” I left it an open question whether there was really a transmitter in the radio or not. This is the best way to deal with these people because they absolutely will not accept that you do not hear the voices too and they reject the notion that they are hallucinating them. Trust me when I say that debating with a psychotic person about their delusions and hallucinations is a hopeless endeavor.

Schizophrenics also hear voices in public that are much harder to figure out. For instance they might walk by a room full of a group of people and experience an auditory hallucination coming from one of the persons in the room. The voice will seem exactly as if that person said it out loud. So this is a voice placed onto the body of an existing person.

With the schizophrenic, he went with me to my doctors’ office once and as we were walking away, he hallucinated a voice coming from a man in the waiting room. The voice made it seem as if the man was accusing him of something. “There he is. He’s the one who did it!” It went something along those lines. It was so hostile that it seemed as if the man was trying to start a fight with my friend. My friend wanted very much to go back to the waiting room and have it out with the man and demand to know why he said those things to my friend. It took quite a bit of convincing to keep him from going back and challenging the man.

When the voices start putting false voices into actually existing people, this illness can get quite bizarre and disturbing as you might imagine.

In OCD, sometimes the OCD creates an alternate voice in your head that is a different voice from the voice you are used to or your inner voice. At times, more than one voice may be created. I have met OCD’ers who had all sorts of voices going in their heads all at once. Some had whole room-fulls or even stadium-fulls. Others had the sounds of various animals going in their heads. A few have who farms or menageries of animals vocalizing away inside their heads.

These people are often terrified that they are developing schizophrenia, but I reject this. Just as OCD can create a new voice in your head or change your existing one, of course it could create more than two voices or possibly an unlimited number of voices. It cannot also create animal sounds and anything else the mind wants to conjure up. I see no grounds for referring to any of these phenomena as auditory hallucinations. With the OCD voices in the head, this is a person who is simply making up the voices or sounds their own in their heads. Or the OCD is making them up, whichever way you prefer. So this is someone who is creating a lot of mental chaos for themselves apparently for the perverse purpose of tormenting themselves or making themselves upset. These head voices are much more under voluntary control than schizophrenic voices and many OCD sufferers can shut them on or off and on proper medication, they often stop altogether. Or the person learns that they are doing this to themselves on purpose and decides to stop torturing themselves.

Unfortunately, many clinicians do not seem to be able to untangle the voices of one’s own inner thoughts and auditory hallucinations. Adding to this problem is the fact that many OCD sufferers will describe their OCD thoughts as “voices.” In these cases, careful questioning should reveal that the “voices” are actually inner thoughts and not auditory hallucinations.

It is uncertain how the notion of “voices in your head” got started. Schizophrenics are said to hear “voices in their heads.” This makes no sense as we all have voices in our heads, namely our inner voice or voices. Apparently since auditory hallucinations are the creation of a person’s mind and do not exist in the environment, it could make sense to describe auditory hallucinations as voices in your head considering that the voices are originating in the mind of the hearer and not externally. However, the very phrase “voices in the head” completely confuses the situation and I think it is best to drop this psychiatrically illiterate phrase from the discourse of educated speakers on grounds that it causes unnecessary confusion.

There may be some cases where the hallucinated voices actually seem to be originating from inside the skull of the hearer. Imagine what it sounds like when a person is talking next to you. Now examine that same experience, yet the voice is emanating directly from your skull. This would be the only case where “voices in your head” would be a logical phenomenological description.

OCD sufferers, especially those with the Schizophrenic OCD theme or what sufferers have called the “Schiz OCD” variant of the illness, often say that they hear voices.

Caution is needed here. I have heard many OCD sufferers inform me that they are actually experiencing auditory hallucinations. In these cases, careful questioning will generally reveal a person who is scanning the environment in a hypervigilant way and then misinterpreting ordinary sounds in the environment as possible “voices.”

They also often report hallucinations or quasi-hallucinations during the hypnagogic period between sleep and wakefulness. Many a bizarre thing happens to ordinary persons during the hypnagogic state, so it is best not to make too much of this. The period between sleep and wakefulness is odd and dream states may spill over into wakefulness, the mind may start to run wild and thought and dream may become confused. Once again, these are hypervigilant persons with high anxiety examining their hypnagogic states for signs of psychosis. It is a good maxim that when humans go looking for something, they often find what they are looking for in one way or another.

Once hypnagogic confusion, inner voices and misinterpretations of environmental sounds are eliminated, the clinician will find that the OCD sufferer rarely if ever experiences an actual auditory hallucination.

At times, normals may even think they hear a voice. Last winter, I pulled into a drug store parking lot at 8 PM. It was dark and raining fairly hard. The rain was creating quite a bit of environmental racket. As I opened my car door, a heard a voice off in the rainy parking lot say my name, “Bob.” I looked around a bit, saw no one there, thought for a bit about what just happened, concluded that I did not have an auditory hallucination but instead misread some odd environmental sound in the rainy racket, brushed it aside, and went into the store.

The truth is that even if it was a voice, I would not worry and neither should anyone else. Hallucinated voices are quite common. 14% of the population regularly experience them, most are not psychotic and many are probably quite normal. I have told myself that if I ever start hearing schizophrenic type voices going all the time, I am going to get concerned, but in the meantime, I am not going to worry.

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Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Depression, Mental Illness, Mood Disorders, OCD, Psychology, Psychopathology, Psychotherapy, Psychotic Disorders, Schizophrenia

Borderline Personality Disorder Versus Sociopathy

Herehere and lots of other places.

There are definitely some major differences, and a Borderline Personality Disorder is generally not the same thing as a sociopath, but there is also some overlap. In fact, I would say there is overlap between all of these horrific Cluster B types.

Sociopathy and BPD can occur in the same individual. One of Jeffrey Dahmer’s diagnoses was BPD with sociopathic traits, among other things.

Horrifically violent people need not be sociopaths, though they often are. Some men who slaughtered their entire families – wives and children – had such diagnoses as Obsessive Compulsive PD and Narcissistic PD.

One serial killer, a long-haul trucker who was roaming around northern California, was said to be unusual in that he was not a sociopath. This was the guy who hacked a woman’s breast off and walked into a police station with her tit in his pocket to confess. Forget his name.

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Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Borderline, Crime, Mental Illness, Narcissistic, OCD, Personality Disorders, Psychology, Psychopathology, Serial Killers, Sociopathy

My Life as a Peer Counselor

SkepticDoesNotMeanHater writes:

Robert, you stated in a previous post you work as a counselor/therapist, what is your degree/certification/license and area of study/expertise? Marriage? Youth? Behavioral? Psychoanalysis? Something different?

I have no degree or certification in counseling, therapy or any such thing. But in California as in most states in the US, you do not need such a credential to be a therapist/counselor. Literally anyone can hang up their shingle and call themselves “counselor” and accept money to talk to folks about their problems, try to help them out and give them any advice they think is appropriate. I do not make much money doing this. Most I ever made was $300 in a month. I charge between $20-40/hour and get it pretty reliably. Most clients say I do a great job. I have eight paying clients at the moment.

I only work with anxiety disorders and paraphilias, and even in anxiety disorders, I mostly focus on OCD. Even within OCD, I mostly focus on Pure O obsessives. I know this illness up and down, inside and out, north to south, east to west, and every which way from Sunday. I know it better than most therapists. I have been reading about it and how to treat it for decades. Better than that, I have it myself! Clients are amazed and say, “It’s like you can look inside my brain and you know exactly how I am thinking.”

Peer counseling is a good thing, and it’s growing. Lot of folks find it pretty helpful. These people are better off working with me than with their current therapist who doesn’t understand the illness.

I work a little bit with paraphilias, but I am not as good at that.

I am now an expert at sexual orientation and am often asked to determine if someone is homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual, and I can determine that very well – better in fact, than most therapists.

I am also an expert at diagnosing pedophilia and telling it apart from misleading things that look like it but are not true fixated pedophilia.

I am often asked to determine, “Am I a pedophile or am I not one?” I am getting very good at this, and I am better than most therapists now. And yes, I have worked with two fixated pedophiles. Neither was offending, so I was able to work with them. I probably work better with non-offending pedophiles than a lot of therapists because I don’t treat them like shit like so many clinicians do.

I have also worked with fetishists, voyeurs, sadists and people with urolagnia (piss freaks), including folks who were breaking the law.

I did couples therapy with one couple where the woman was concerned that husband was homosexual or bisexual because he had some interest in sex with men. I figured out his sexual orientation very fast (pure heterosexual), then I tried to explain what I thought was going on with the guy, but couples therapy is very weird and exhausting, and I am not good at it.

Other than that, I do not work much with other stuff. I have had depressives, but I really do not know how to deal with them, and I want to throw up my hands. Suicidals baffle me and seem untreatable. I cannot work with Borderline Personality Disorders at all, had one disastrous client and never want another one. I don’t see how any clinician can work with someone so impossible. I see a lot of low self-esteem but am baffled how to deal with it, and it seems intractable.

I just tell people straight up what I am good at and if they have stuff going on that I am not good at, I just tell them.

I am not allowed to give out legal DSM diagnoses, but I can give an opinion on diagnosis. If someone has a good dx in my opinion but has never been formally given a DSM dx, I tell them to go to a clinician and get one. I send clinicians and psychiatrists tons of business – they should appreciate me.

It’s all perfectly legal in California as long as you do not falsely advertise yourself. For instance, I cannot say I am a clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, LCSW or MSW. If I give myself one of those labels, it’s against the law. I tell clients I am a peer counselor rather than a therapist because it sounds less dicky and pretentious.

People usually see me for a couple of hours and then graduate on to a credentialed clinician, psychiatrist, social worker or psychiatrist. Like I said, I give these guys mountains of business.

If you lack a credential, you are just not going to get much business. Most people will pass and go for a credentialed clinician instead.

If you think this website is valuable to you, please consider a contribution to support the continuation of the site. This is my only job.

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Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Borderline, California, Depression, Law, Mental Illness, Mood Disorders, OCD, Pedophilia, Personality Disorders, Psychology, Psychopathology, Psychotherapy, Regional, Sex, USA

The Therapy of the Pedophile

I work as a counselor and for some reason mostly with clients who are all wrapped up in the idea that they are pedophiles, and I spend time every day talking to guys about this crap, so maybe that’s why it’s on my mind, as it wouldn’t be otherwise. The overwhelming majority of them are not pedophiles, and I have to convince them of this. A lot of this involves research into this question.

There is no shame in being a pedophile anyway, and I have worked with two pedophiles clinically so far.

With one guy, the main therapy consisted of trying to get him to not chop his dick off! That’s how bad he felt! He has contacted me again, and the poor fellow has a million problems. He knows what he is and he is going to go on anti-androgen drugs to kill his sex drive rather than take the chance. I don’t really like that idea but it’s his life.

When you have a rare client who is a pedophile, it is important to get them to feel good about their sexual orientation, as it’s not their fault they got wired up that way and there’s no way to fix them. Everyone deserves a rewarding sexual life in some way. If there is some interest in adults, cultivate that to the greatest extent possible to redirect away from the kid stuff, which should be blown off as unattainable.

There are a lot of issues around offending, but the two guys I worked with were apparently not offending and I didn’t even bring it up. They both had massive guilt about their sexual orientation and that had to go. There are groups online for pedophiles (Before You Act) that I highly recommend. In fact, a pedophile who corresponds with me is very active in that group and is not offending. Many or even most pedophiles may need to be in active therapy to keep them from offending, stay away from triggers and report any kids in their lives and what that is all about.

Deal with guilt and acceptance. Some of these guys just will not accept that they got wired up that way. They have to accept it and be ok with it, and I do not care what the consequences of that are. Acceptance is mandatory because there is no way to fix them.

Deal with self-hatred, shame, suicidality and desire for self-mutilation. It’s not uncommon but it’s not helpful as they’re not getting better.

Refocus: Ascertain to the greatest degree possible the sexual orientation of the client, all down to AOA. Find out if there is any attraction to matures, and then seek to redirect fantasy to that area and away from kids as an alternative. Also called Lovemap expansion.

Sexual fantasy is ok. I have guys tell me some pretty crazy kid stuff that was running around in their heads and they were getting off to it for real. It’s hard to say, “Wow, that’s great!” but you have to be nonjudgmental and let people think about whatever they want.

Offending: A big mess and I don’t deal with it. There are people who do though and redirect the person to those people.

Self-help: Discuss pedophile groups like B4U Act and see if they can join. Point out the consequences of offending.

Define pedophilia. I get people coming to me all the time with issues around arousal or feared arousal to kids. In most cases, it looks like OCD or an anxiety disorder. I also get lots of guys coming to me terrified that they are pedophiles because they find 13-16 yr old girls attractive. I laugh at them, say, “Congratulations on being normal” and say, “Why are you in therapy for being normal?” In general, most men with attractions to girls age 13-17 are not unhealthy at all, and in fact, that you are simply proves that you are a 100% normal and healthy male.

Differential diagnosis. Most of my cases go over to OCD or an anxiety issue. Once it’s OCD, I no longer worry about the person doing anything with a kid. If they tell me they are worried about molesting a kid, I generally laugh at them. In other cases, it looks more like paranoia. I had one client who seemed to be POCD, but he had no issues around arousal to little girls. Teenage girls, ok, but Lolita doesn’t count! In teasing it all apart, it turned out that his real fear was “other people think I am a pedophile” and not any worries about being one himself. This seemed to be part of some sort of a paranoid psychosis that I didn’t understand.

People with non-preferential desires mostly don’t want help anyway, but the few that do need to be told that they are normal as most men think this way sometimes. The only difference between a normal man and a pedophile is the degree of attraction. To a normal man, that mature woman is a Prime Rib. That 10 year old girl is a cold hamburger sitting in the fridge for 2 weeks and if you take a bite, the cops come to your door and arrest you, so you throw it away and don’t bother.

The steak or the hamburger. They’re both edible, but which one are you going to eat? Which one are you going to eat?

Issues around child porn. I have a few folks who were looking at this stuff and were terrified about getting caught. I advised them to wipe the drive, shut up and quit putting that stuff on their drive in the first place. One guy was terrified that any therapist would report him to the cops for having child porn on his drive, but the law doesn’t work that way, and most therapists are not cops. I kept telling him that clinicians are not cops but he just wouldn’t listen.

I don’t care what you tell me. If you confess to murder with me, it’s as good as a confession booth. I don’t wear a badge.

There was guy on the web getting a PhD in Psychology and he said he wanted to work with pedophiles because they fascinated him. He was told that unless you work in a prison setting, you will hardly ever see a pedophile in a normal clinical setting. This is because almost all of them think there is nothing wrong with their condition. Many have stated that if there was a drug to cure it, they would not even take it because they love being a pedo so much. They are typically very happy about their orientation.

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Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Child Porn, Mental Illness, OCD, Pedophilia, Pornography, Psychology, Psychopathology, Psychotherapy, Sex

Empathy and the Lack of It

First of all, what is empathy?

Empathy is the ability to share in another person’s emotions. The capability to be happy because someone else is happy, sad because they are sad, and so on. It is closely linked to love and compassion. Guilt, too, comes from the ability of a character to put themselves in the shoes of someone they’ve hurt. In other words, if you feel guilty at all, then you are an empathetic person de facto. Empathetic people are sometimes referred to as empaths.

Many persons are deficient in empathy. In my work with OCD patients, it is common to come across an OCD’er who is worried that they lack empathy. This is most common in the Harm theme of Harm OCD, where persons often feel that they are losing their empathy, that they do not care anymore, that they do not value human lives, that they no longer feel love, etc. Although it is controversial what exactly is going on here, I doubt if the OCD’er is really lacking empathy, doesn’t care, doesn’t value human life, no longer feels love, etc. This is because the OCD’er is deeply and profoundly upset by what feels like the loss of empathy and the change into a cold, heartless monster.

The truth is that folks who lack empathy do not care, do not value the lives of others, do not feel love, etc. as a general rule are not the slightest bit bothered by the fact that they feel this way. They like to feel this way. They do not want to feel empathetic, do not want to care, do not wish to value others’ lives, do not wish to feel love, etc. I have dealt with quite a few folks like this, and believe me, they are happy as clams being ruthless motherfuckers. If you are worried about your “lack of empathy” then in all probability, you are actually quite an empathetic person. Only an empath would be pained by the appearance of the loss of such an emotion.

The person who is deficient in empathy is an interesting character. One type is evaluated below:

These characters may feel fear, but not the fear of others, regardless of the situation. This kind of guy can walk calmly through a crazed mob. For good or ill, these folks are not susceptible to social panic. The reason is that these people generally do not care what people think of them.

This is where we differentiate between a sociopath and a narcissist.

A sociopath could literally care less what you or anyone else thinks of him as your opinion has no importance.

A narcissist deeply needs the love, respect and worship of others and will do anything to get praise or accolades.

Granted many narcissists are rather sociopathic and obviously the sociopath is the ultimate narcissist. The sociopath is, to himself, literally the only person in the world or at least the only one who matters. The world does not just revolve around him; the world is him.

There is a very nasty type called the malignant narcissist or the narcissistic sociopath. They are often capable of great violence. They differ from sociopaths by their extreme vanity and conceitedness and in particular by their need to be respected and admired by others. These types do indeed care what others think. Notable malignant narcissists include Ted Bundy and Jeffrey MacDonald, the physician who killed his family.

Note that a character who lacks empathy can still be perfectly capable of cognitive empathy; that is, the ability to recognize and identify an emotion – they might not be able to share in somebody’s happiness or sadness, but they have learned well enough what happiness or sadness look like, and coupled with the lack of remorse this tends to result in a ruthlessly effective Manipulative Bastard.

These people are sometimes aware that others are bothered by what looks like their lack of empathy. In order to put on a good face and fool people into thinking that they care, they put on a display of empathy and try to mirror another’s happiness, sadness or whatever. But this is all fake, a show, a game, an act. The real feelings are just not there.

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Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Mental Illness, Narcissism, Narcissistic, OCD, Personality, Personality Disorders, Psychology, Psychopathology, Sociopathy

OCD and Homicidal Thoughts

Homicidal thoughts or harming thoughts are quite common in a type of OCD called “Harm OCD.” It can get pretty bad. As a counselor and a sufferer, I have dealt with many people who had this particular type of OCD. In fact, they come to me all the time! I typically do some sort of differential diagnosis with them to make sure it’s OCD and not something more serious.

Below are some cases of obvious OCD or OCD-like thinking:

1. OK so one day me and my sister were just talking and all of a sudden I get this weird urge to choke her. I would never do that to her. I can’t even kill a bug and I’m not bi polar. This has happened again recently with my other sister, the thought just randomly occurs. If it helps I have been diagnosed with panic disorder. Please don’t be mean and say I’m a psychopath or I’m crazy. I need to know if any one else has experienced this to. Please help!

2. I do too sometimes. Sometimes while I’m driving I feel the urge to swerve into traffic. Sometimes for no reason I get the urge to choke my dog or hit her to death. (Of course I’d never do it.) It feels like you have no control over yourself. It feels like your actually about to do it but you don’t.

3. Believe it or not I’ve been through the exact same thing I had violent and sexual urges that I couldn’t control but I never hurt anyone I just always felt like I would, some specific urges I had were to drown my sister in the pool , every time I was someplace high up I would have a strong urge to jump off. I had these urges from age 10-15 and I was scared to be around people but I found out it is OCD look up OCD violent urges online.

I finally talked to somebody about it and said I was worried I would hurt somebody and they said the reason the urges don’t make me a violent dangerous person is because I’m worried about it were somebody dangerous would either not care or enjoy it.

4. i think everyone thinks these thoughts, not because you want to do them, but because your brain can think it. Its just putting yourself into a scenario, kinda like a daydream. Ive thought that way…”what if i just punched her…what if i slipped and fell and hit my head….what if i swerve into traffic??” tons of things will cross your brain…you’re human and its curiosity. I think you’re just fine. Unless you start getting the urge to actually follow through with it, or attempt it. Don’t sweat it.

5. Guys… I have that too. Sometimes ill sit and watch tv and suddenly ill have a random thought of killing my mom or hurting my dogs. Anyone in my house hold. I’m completely fine when these thoughts occur. I’m not mad, nor upset. And my family never did anything wrong to make me think such things…I would NEVER hurt anyone…

And it scared me. Sometimes i avoid certain objects i could hurt people with and i stopped watching my favorite crime shows. It all freaks me out now.. Ive asked a friend, and he has it too but not as extreme. More of a “what if” thing. He says im fine and he thinks everyone has these thoughts at one point.

Some of these folks may not even have OCD, but at any rate, all of these thoughts have an OCD-ish feel to them. It’s quite common for non-OCD’ers to get thoughts like this once in a while.

This case is more difficult:

Hello. This isn’t very easy for me to let go into the world, but I would like people’s opinions. I am on the other end of a 1.5 year bout with OCD and being terrified that I am going to indulge in homicide. Things are much better now, but yesterday at work, I got all my issues worked up in my head and at one point I genuinely wanted to indulge in homicide. I actually wanted to do it.

During that I had slight panic attacks running and of course it worries me that the curiosity of doing such an act is attractive. Now, I have read many posts here on how to self help your OCD, but this is the first time I have ever been genuinely attracted to the horrible thing I’ve been afraid of for such a long time, and that’s the difference between being afraid of intrusive thoughts and being attracted to them. Is that normal psychology for an OCD sufferer, do you think my thoughts got twisted in knots and then I deceived myself into thinking I wanted to do it, or do you think I should seek some help?

The thread goes on and on, and some folks are are telling him to go to the ER and check himself in. The guy who posted this is worried that he felt like he really wanted to do it. However, many of the OCD’ers I have dealt with have told me that they feel like they want to act on these thoughts. In every case, they were given a diagnosis of OCD by multiple clinicians. The thing is that OCD itself can make you feel like you want to do these things. It can also make you feel like you might or would enjoy them. All of this causes more panic, anxiety and attempts at thought suppression.

So if someone comes to me with classic Harm OCD stuff and then tells me that they feel like they want to act on these thoughts, I am not particularly worried. It’s probably more the OCD convincing you that you want to act on the thoughts or that you might enjoy them more than anything else.

This case is much more disturbing.

Hello, My name is Ryan. I’m 17 years old. I’m posting this here today because for quite some time i have been obsessed with murder, blood, torture, and rape. When I see someone walking down the road, my mind unconsciously comes up with random ways of torture I could try on them, I’ve been doing this since I was around 15, but now something’s changed – I feel its getting harder and harder to control, I’ve had to start journaling and drawing what I would like to do to my victims.

I feel I could take countless human lives and not stress about it. Will someone please tell me what’s wrong with the way I think? My parents told me its a stage, but I know it’s more. Just someone please try to give me insight on why this is happening.

I am honestly not sure what is going on with this guy, but one thing it is not is OCD. No way does a Harm OCD’er journal and draw pictures about torture, rape and murder. Forget that. The OCD’er would be terrified of having the thoughts in the first place, would not enjoy them at all, and would most likely viciously fight them from the first time they showed up until they went away, if they ever did.

The OCD’er doesn’t want those thoughts or feelings in his head for even one second. He would never just indulge in them for pleasure or write journals and draw pictures that delight in murder, torture and rape.

Truth is most Harm OCD’ers are so scared of their thoughts, etc. that they start avoiding all situations that might set them off, including any TV shows, movies or writing that has to do with murder, rape, torture, etc. If they watch or read something along those lines, they will feel serious anxiety and nearly have a panic attack.

In the thread, a few of them ask him questions to see if this is OCD. He says he enjoys the thoughts and feelings very much. That doesn’t sound like OCD one bit. However, he does say that he tries to resist them at times, but he can’t. Now that is very odd. But there may be occasional resistance with non-OCD stuff.

The fact that he feels like he could kill countless people without a single worry in the world is also disturbing. No way would an OCD’er feel that way.

It is interesting that a number of other commenters said that they had similar thoughts and feelings, especially when they were teenagers, and at some point, they just went away. That is very hopeful. I had assumed that once you get to the point where you are fantasizing about rape, murder and torture all the time, even to the point of doodling and journaling about your fantasies, you are pretty much gone. But apparently this is not so, and people can easily move out of this kind of thinking. That is a very good thing indeed.

The following are some cases of homicidal thinking in schizophrenia:

1. Yes but not intentional homicidal thoughts more like random ones that come in my head like if I see a bus pass by me sometimes I would have thoughts of breaking the windows with a baseball bat and screaming at the passenger or punching someone randomly passing by me but not of anger I barely get angry anymore just random thoughts.

2. Hi, I’m new here to this board. I was just curious if anyone feels these symptoms. I feel this way all the time. Whenever someone looks at me wrong. All I want to do is hurt or kill that person. I was recently hospitalized a couple months ago. I’m always scared to death. All I wanna do is crawl in to a dark room and cry. Sometimes when I’m driving I think what if I just turn the wheel and kill that jogger running.

Seriously I see a pdoc and have seen the same doc since I was a little kid. My pdoc says it’s just delusions. But it’s so real!!! I was diagnosed with paranoid sz. about 3 years ago. Does anyone feel this way? Please anyone I would love to know that I’m not alone here.

3. Hello Weenska, you most certainly are not alone. I get homicidal thoughts too. The scary thing is that they are all about killing children. You see, I work in a children’s’ hospital, and for some reason my mind is set on hurting the patients there. I get so nervous when I have to go clean a room with a patient sleeping in there.

The nurses are outside of the room sitting at the nurse’s station, and I’m alone in the room with the patient. While I’m cleaning I get evil thoughts of how I could swiftly kill the child without anyone seeing. My mind comes up with so many ways on how I could get away with it too. It’s like I’m constantly fantasizing about being a secret, mysterious child killer. Isn’t that awful?

4. I know I’m not a bad person and could never harm anyone. You’re not a bad person either. Why we get these kinds of thoughts flowing through our head is beyond me. I want you to know that whatever filthy person our minds may try and persuade us to be, that its not who we really are. 🙂

5. Princess is right, you’re definitely not alone! I have homicidal thoughts about my hubby. I don’t sleep well at night so a lot of the times I am just sitting in bed watching my hubby sleep. I would think about what it would be like to actually commit a murder. I can picture myself smashing his head in with a baseball bat, or poisoning his food, I even can see my self sneaking up on him and stabbing him in the back.

I’ve told him and at first he thought it was kinda funny, but now I can tell he’s sometimes a little edgy around me. I love him so much and I don’t want to lose him…To me, this is so much more than some kind of delusion. Its like the devil himself is tempting me. I hate feeling so sick and twisted inside. Anywho, yes I can relate. I know I’m not bad, and I will fight these thoughts off as hard as I can for as long as it takes!

6. I’ve always been a real docile person, but when I got sick I had some homicidal thoughts.

7. In 1980, I had a lot of violence in my head and I was afraid for about a week that I would get violent. It scared me and made me feel bad, but I managed to control it.

8. I get these thoughts of hurting people sometimes too. I haven’t acted on them so far.

9. I used to get terrible homicidal thoughts. There were command voices, and there were the videos/images that played in my head about terrible crimes I was committing. I have been hospitalized over 20 times, and many of these were for homicidal ideation. I would be taken to the inpatient unit and put in isolation because I could not control myself.

But after the fact when I would get re-stabilized on meds, my T told me that she did not think I had it in me to hurt another person. I have never hurt another person. I am generally very kind and calm. She wanted me in the hospital because she was afraid I would hurt myself. After I had the homicidal thoughts I would feel SO guilty about having the thoughts that I wanted to kill myself because I was such a “bad” person. But, I am not a bad person. Now I have been stable on Clozaril for 6 years, and I no longer have homicidal thoughts… ever.

10. From my perspective, It might b “normal” 2 have homicidal thoughts about some 1 I don’t like or doesn’t like me. But I have homicidal about the ppl i LUV the most! It’s like the thought pops up in my head then I got a whole bunch of cause n effect scenarios.

It could b like if i c a hammer on the table, I could bash my loved one in the head. Or it could b some insecticide, n I could add a dash of death 2 a meal. I mean yea, I been thru some bad shit, but this is just fucked up! After i realize what I just wuz thinking, then I start feeling all bad, then the potential bad endings, n it bothers me. I mean, I’m ain’t necessarily a bad dude, but damn that shit ain’t cool, feel me?

11. I get homicidal thoughts when I am deeply disturbed. I make up shit in my head on how I could kill someone and get away with it. I have really good self control, and I’m a good person, and it bothers me deeply. Most of my homicidal thoughts are about my brother though because he is clearly the Antichrist. I talked to God when I was actually planning on killing him and he stopped me. He’s a crackhead and pill popper big time and only uses my disabled mother for more crack money.

Luckily he has found a place to live so he doesn’t bang on our doors at 530 or call my phone anymore. He threatens a lot towards our family, but I can do so much more harm than he could. My father passed away in January and he was the only person who could keep him in line. The constant family feuds we’ve been having has at times caused me to the point of pure insanity. I talk about killing him openly with my family and how he just needs to die.

Of course, they’re very freaked out. I’ve always had homicidal thoughts even before schizophrenia. But they have just been getting worse about my brother. I think about killing other people sometimes, but it’s mostly my brother because he’s a piece of shit. This morning he came by again and I couldn’t sleep. I haven’t heard voices in over a week, they come and go, but this morning voices were telling me to murder someone.

12. When I read this post, I immediately remembered my early teen years, when my illness really started getting bad. I had my first hallucinations when I was about 14 or 15, and that’s when I started having thoughts of killing people. At first the thoughts were of killing people at school, like a random school shooting, and then killing myself. Then came the thoughts about killing my family members and then myself. I skipped school all the time because of it. I feel sick just typing this. I want to delete it and pretend it never happened.

This one is deeply disturbing. Some sort of homicidal thinking she had actually led to her trying to kill her brother, probably when she had schizophrenia:

I’ve had thoughts like that before too. I used to go to school with a girl who I thought was perfect. I wanted to kill her because I felt so flawed next to her. The point is, NEVER act on these impulses. Never hurt anyone or you will regret it horribly. I tried to kill my brother once and he avoided me for years (can you blame him?).

As you can see, homicidal thinking is extremely common in schizophrenia. In fact, the vast majority of schizophrenics seem to experience it at some time or other. Some of this stuff looks very OCD-ish to me. Whether it justifies an additional diagnosis of OCD or not, I have no idea. You will notice that in many cases, anti-psychotic medication specifically for schizophrenia made the thoughts go away. This implies that it was not an OCD process driving the thoughts but instead it was a schizophrenic process. If it was an OCD process, the anti-schizophrenic drugs would not have worked.

The question is how does the schizophrenic homicidal thinking above compare to the OCD-type ideation in quality? Honestly, I do not have the faintest idea.

One way it differs is that in schizophrenia it can take the form of command hallucinations ordering the person to commit violent acts. Fortunately, they do not give in to the thoughts most of the time. There is something a bit similar in OCD where the person experiences thoughts inside their head ordering them to carry out various homicidal and violent acts. The difference is that in OCD it will be a thought and in schizophrenia it will be an external voice. And in schizophrenia, there is much more likelihood that the person will act on it. The chance that a person with OCD will act on the thoughts is just about nil.

However, in schizophrenia, this thinking is much more dangerous as it regularly leads to episodes of violence. However, as you can see above, only one of the schizophrenics above ever acted on their homicidal thoughts, so in many cases, they are able to control themselves.

I have never worked with schizophrenics, and I don’t know how to deal with homicidal ideation in schizophrenia. I imagine it is a very tricky area to determine a schizophrenic with this type of thinking is dangerous or not.

People come to me after reading my articles. They are basically self-diagnosing with OCD, or they have already been diagnosed by a clinician. I have found that people are pretty good at self-diagnosis for this condition. They often write me telling me that it is as I could see inside their minds and tell them what was going on in there. All of the people who came to me with homicidal or violent thoughts had OCD so far, so I haven’t had to worry much about differential diagnosis. I did have one client who was truly homicidal, but that person was thinking in a completely different way and it wasn’t OCD driving the homicidal ideation, it was something else altogether. There wasn’t much I could do about that person either.

Unfortunately, I think most of the people who are truly dangerous are simply not going to show up for counseling or therapy. They either like to feel this way or don’t care, and they don’t see any problem with their way of thinking.

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Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Mental Illness, OCD, Psychology, Psychopathology, Psychotic Disorders, Schizophrenia

Normal Guy With Irresistable Urge to Kill People

Link here, and see responses. I have written about this before. This guy is now convinced that he has OCD, specifically Harm OCD. I know Harm OCD very well as I have spoken with and worked with scores of people who have it. There is no way on Earth that this guy has Harm O. Forget it. Not possible. Harm O doesn’t work like this.

As far as what is wrong with him, I have no idea. Not all unwanted thoughts, feelings and urges are obsessions. Some might be more classified as “addictions.” We may be looking at more of an addiction here. I am also thinking, if he really doesn’t want to feel this way, why doesn’t he just knock it off? You don’t want to think about killing people? Great. Just stop doing it. It’s not that hard. That won’t work for an obsession due to the nature of obsessions, but it should work just fine for a non-obsession.

I’m a relatively normal, happy guy. I have an almost irresistible urge to kill people. What’s wrong with me?

READ FIRST/UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM: I guess I should clarify that I am definitely NOT going to kill anyone. I only want to. I know the difference between wanting something and having to have something, and have never once in my entire life actually tried to hurt anyone. The furthest my desires have ever gone is thinking about how I would go about doing it. I have never owned a weapon or thought about obtaining one outside of knowing that I would have to in my little day-dreams.

I am a normal guy in my early 20s. I work full time, I have lots of friends, people generally like me when they meet me, and I work very successfully in a people-oriented business. I care deeply about my friends and family, and I stand up for people I don’t know when I feel they’re being taken advantage of. I am of above-average intelligence, and I’ve been told by more than one person that I’m their favorite smart person because I never make anyone feel like I think I’m better than them.

I’m happy with the person I am, and I’m confident in the decisions I make on a daily basis. I don’t have any money problems that can’t be solved by budgeting for a week or two, and generally always have the time and means to pursue the things I want.

I am moderately successful with women; I’m no Casanova, but in general if I make an attempt to woo someone, they are wooed. I have recently been getting serious with a girl I’m really into. She’s smart and funny and full of life, if not a little talkative sometimes, which I find endearing.

My ambition in life is to be happy without damaging the happiness of those around me. I get along great with animals and would never intentionally hurt or kill one, and hearing stories/seeing pictures of people who torture or even just mistreat animals bother me. Something as simple as a neighbor leaving their pet out in bad weather can ruin my morning.

I don’t think I’m a psychopath or even a sociopath. I’m no more selfish than the average person, as far as I know. When I hurt people’s feelings I do everything I can to make up for it if I feel I was in the wrong, which is relatively often.

I also really, REALLY want to plan and execute a murder. Or several. Usually the first solution that pops into my head when someone is in the way of my happiness is to murder them. I’ve gone as far as learning someone’s schedule and patterns and planned a fairly thorough method of killing them and disposing of their body without getting caught. Most of the people I contemplate killing are not people that are close to me, though I do occasionally get intrusive thoughts about taking the life of friends or co-workers I genuinely get along with.

I don’t think I’ll ever go through with it, but if I did I would probably choke my victim to death with a thin, strong rope or wire of some kind. Guns don’t appeal to me and knives are messy.

The main thing stopping me from going through with it isn’t a fear of getting caught or the belief that killing is morally wrong (which I do believe, but I’m not so hypocritical that I’m going to pretend I don’t betray my morals every now and then), but a fear of what it would mean about me as a person. I don’t want to hurt anyone, I just feel like I need to sometimes.

Is there something wrong with me or are these just normal invasive thoughts? I feel like I should talk to someone but as far as I know I have my desires under control.

UPDATE: Thanks for all the feedback guys. I’m getting an equal mix of Dexter quotes, troll accusations, and suggestions to see a therapist. Rathosaur’s post here made me realize I have probably have a pretty serious form of OCD that I’ve just been managing internally for a while. I plan on talking to a therapist as soon as I find out what kind of mental coverage my insurance has. I don’t feel like I’m a dangerous person, but I also don’t like having thoughts that bother me in my own head. I really, truly appreciate the input of those who have offered help.

One thing that jumps out loud and clear in this post is the narcissism of this fellow. It is also disturbing that the only thing preventing him from acting on these fantasies – and that is what these are – fantasies – is what people will think of him if and when he gets caught. People will hate him so much that his self-esteem won’t be able to handle it. What stops him from killing is how it would affect him, not the people he kills, his victims. That is rather disturbing right there.

Posters post about how this guy is a sociopath or a psychopath, but I am not getting that. A sociopath could care less what anyone thinks of him. If he likes the idea of killing but does not do it (very common in sociopaths as many fantasize about homicide but few carry it out) it will be for reasons other than his own self-image and what others think of him, since by definition, the psychopath cares nothing about his self-image or what others think of him.

If the psychopath is not carrying out these acts, it may be because he doesn’t want to go to prison. Many psychopaths have very active antisocial fantasy lives, but they don’t engage in a whole lot of illegal activity because they don’t want to go to jail or prison. So they become “legal criminals” instead.

Here is what a poster posted about this fellow in saying he was a psychopath. Notice all checks by the narcissism stuff but almost no checks by the parasitic lifestyle stuff.

Factor 1: Personality “Aggressive narcissism”

**Glibness/superficial charm** [if he woos her, she’s usually wooed]
**Grandiose sense of self-worth** [he’s everyone’s favorite smart person]
Pathological lying
**Cunning/manipulative** [if he woos, she’s usually wooed; everyone likes him]
**Lack of remorse or guilt** [see immediately below]
Shallow affect (genuine emotion is short-lived and egocentric)
**Callousness; lack of empathy** [isn’t worried about hurting his would-be victims, but is concerned about *his* self-image if he kills]
Failure to accept responsibility for own actions

Factor 2: Case history “Socially deviant lifestyle”.

**Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom** [fantasizing about murder]
Parasitic lifestyle
**Poor behavioral control** [stalking people]
Lack of realistic long-term goals
Impulsivity
Irresponsibility
Juvenile delinquency
Early behavior problems
Revocation of conditional release

A Harm OCD’er would never, ever, ever plot of plan to kill anyone. They would never learn anyone’s schedule in order to fantasize a plot to murder them. It doesn’t work that way!

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Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Mental Illness, Narcissism, OCD, Personality, Personality Disorders, Psychology, Psychopathology, Sociopathy

Problems in the Diagnosis of OCD

The criteria used to diagnose OCD give rise to a lot of confusion among sufferers and clinicians.

Resistance: Resistance is certainly the hallmark of OCD. Obsessions often provoke the most ferocious resistance. However, not all OCD’ers resist their thoughts. Some just hate them and want them to go away. Also, when the illness gets bad, resistance is often gone and the thoughts just take over and resistance is impossible. Others choose not to resist.

I talked to a female OCD’er with Harm OCD who said she didn’t want to fight off the thoughts because that would be “going against who I really am.” This is a case where the obsessions have taken over so badly that the person is starting to believe them. Unfortunately, this is quite common in the illness, and the sufferer often feels that the obsessions are completely real, because that is how they feel. Nevertheless, resistance is still an excellent marker for OCD. My feeling is, “If you try to stop it, it’s an obsession.” And that’s pretty much true.

Resistance can turn into a cause of endless doubting and ruminations. I have talked to people who spend a good part of their time resisting and fighting off and trying to stop obsessions. Nevertheless, one of their worries was, “Am I really trying to stop the thoughts?”

Anxiety: Certainly, anxiety is prominent in OCD. However, as OCD goes on, the anxiety often attenuates and the person does not feel so much anxiety anymore about the obsessions. For instance the Gay OCD’er feels that the gay thoughts do not cause anxiety anymore, so this means that they are gay. The pedophile OCD’er does not feel much anxiety about the pedo thoughts anymore, so that means they must be a pedophile. The Harm OCD’er finds that the violent thoughts do not cause much anxiety anymore, so they must be a murderer or a psychopath. It is uncertain why the anxiety goes down in OCD. Some think that the body simply tires of being anxious all the time and simply becomes attenuated to the anxiety.

Feelings of numbness and lack of feelings: This is very common in OCD. Why this happens is not certain, but it may be because the anxiety has gone down.At any rate, numbness is very common. This often causes a lot of worry, particularly in Harm OCD, when the person feels that that they have lost their feelings and are turning into a psychopath.

Lack of desire to carry out the actions: It is often said that the difference between someone with OCD and someone without it is the lack of desire to carry out the actions associated with the obsessions. “The person with OCD does not really want to do these things,” is how it is often phrased. However, this causes a lot of confusion because in many cases, the OCD will make the person feel that they want to carry out the acts.

A person with Gay OCD will feel gay and feel like he wants to have gay sex, a person with pedophile OCD will feel like he wants to have sex with children, and a person with Harm OCD will feel like they want to attack or kill people. So this isn’t a very good barometer. However, in general, they do not want to have these feelings, and they fight them very hard. So you look at such things as unwantedness and resistance instead. Whether the person with OCD really wants to do these things is more of a philosophical question. They probably don’t, but OCD can make them feel like they do.

Obsessions as repugnant: While it is probably true that the OCD’er finds their obsessions repugnant on a deep level, hence all the discomfort, anxiety and resistance, this can cause problems because when the illness is bad, the OCD will try to convince the person that they like the thoughts and don’t want to get rid of them. I have spoken to many OCD’ers who were panicked because they felt they were starting to enjoy the pedophile, gay or violent thoughts. This is just OCD trying to convince you that you like something that you really don’t. But the repugnant criteria can result in endless ruminations along the lines of, “Do I really find them repugnant?…Maybe I don’t…Maybe I like them…”

Sometimes this leads to endless compulsions where the person tests themselves over and over again with the images to see if they are disgusted or not. A Gay OCD’er may look at gay images on the Net to see if they generate the proper amount of disgust. A pedo OCD’er may conjure up images of sex with children to see if they are properly disgusted by them. A Harm OCD’er conjures up images of crime scenes, homicides, or themselves committing a violent act over and over to see if they feel the proper amount of disgust and horror.

I talked to one OCD’er who had an image of himself slitting his father’s throat in his head. He had to conjure up the image over and over until he “got it right” and had the proper feeling towards it. This compulsion could take some time and was accompanied by some interesting physical maneuvers in conjunction with it.

“Am I really disgusted by the thoughts? Am I really horrified by them? Do they really bother me?…” These are the sorts of endless ruminations that one encounters.

“I am going to do X…”: It is actually fairly common for an OCD’er to think that they are going to carry out the unwanted act. For instance, a someone with pedophile OCD may think, “I am going to have sex with this child,” and someone with Harm OCD may think, “I am going to kill this person,” or, “I am going to shake the baby right now.” Often these more dramatic forms cause a lot of anxiety because the person worries that the thinking is too extreme to be OCD. However, this thinking is quite common in OCD.

Confusion of voices with thoughts: The person with OCD often describes the thoughts as “voices,” but what they are describing is their inner voice only, not external hallucinations. Also the inner voice in the person with OCD often goes through a lot of changes in tone, etc. to where it seems there are different internal voices going on. Sometimes the obsessions seem to be in a voice other than one’s own, and this is very frightening.

An internal voice is just a thought. Thoughts are internal voices. You hear them in your head, as the phrase “inner voice” implies. You can have one internal voice or many. It’s probably better to have as few as possible since otherwise you might find yourself confused. A hallucination is something you hear with your ears. It is external to the environment.

Confusion of “fake hallucinations” with real hallucinations: In the form of OCD called Schiz OCD, the person worries that they are developing schizophrenia. They often worry that they are starting to hallucinate. They listen intently for all sorts of noises in the environment and start to either mistake them for voices or wonder if they are really voices. A person with true hallucinations will be quite clear that they are hallucinating. Usually careful questioning can ferret out the fake hallucinations from the real hallucinations.

“Lack of empathy” in Harm OCD: In OCD, the obsessions often feel very real. So a person with Gay OCD feels 100% gay. A person with pedophile OCD feels that they are a pedophile. A person with Harm OCD feels like a killer. I have had many Harm OCD’ers tell me such things as, “I feel evil…I feel like the devil…I feel like I could kill!…I feel like a serial killer…I feel like a murderer…I feel like a psychopath.” The OCD simply creates a situation where the person feels that they have become the theme of their obsession.

In Harm OCD, many times persons report a “lack of empathy.” Many Harm OCD’ers have told me this. “I feel like I don’t care anymore…I feel like I don’t love people anymore…I have lost the feeling of love…I feel like I don’t care about others’ lives or value them…I feel like I could take a life and not even care…” One told me, “You know, when my grandfather died, everyone around me was sad, but I felt like I didn’t even care. I felt like I wanted to laugh.” He was terrified as he told me this.

On the surface, this looks like the lack of empathy associated with psychopathy and I have had OCD’ers tell me that their therapists told them that this sort of thing was not associated with OCD and was instead associated with psychopathy. This just caused them even more worry as they were already afraid they were psychopaths.

Typically, this person had felt decent empathy for others before the onset of the Harm OCD. They are generally alarmed that they “seem to be losing their empathy” and see this as a sign that they “are turning into psychopaths.” They make desperate efforts to regain their empathy and feelings of love, but it often doesn’t work very well. This often turns into a form of a compulsion where the person can spend hours a day “practicing feeling love or empathy for others.”

Presumably, a person with psychopathy or a true lack of empathy would not feel bad about it.

The “lack of empathy” is probably a “false feeling” created by the OCD.

Confusing obsessions with delusions: Unfortunately, many OCD’ers are still diagnosed with psychosis. I have had many of them come to me with a diagnosis of psychosis. In all cases, I felt the diagnosis was wrong. However, at times, obsessions take a very strange form in which the content looks like a delusion. In these cases, you look at how much the person believes in the thought, whether they are resisting it, etc.

Confusion of checking with interest: I have talked to some pedophile OCD’ers who had looked at child porn or had masturbated to pedophilic imagery as a form of checking to see if they were interested in it or not. They were now terrified that they did not have OCD and instead they had pedophilia. They were not doing this because they were pedophiles. Instead they were they were checking to see if they were pedophiles or not.

Concerns about escalation: It is quite common for OCD’ers to accept a diagnosis of OCD but to then feel it is “turning into something worse.” In other words, at first they had Harm OCD or Pedophile OCD, but now it is getting worse, and they are turning into pedophiles or psychopaths. Escalation is a strong worry in the form of OCD called Schiz OCD where the person worries that they have schizophrenia. Invariably these persons feel that they are developing schizophrenia. Realistically almost none of them are. I do not regard this as much of a worry. My feeling is, “Once it’s OCD, it’s always OCD.”

“Is it really OCD?” This is not so much a matter of diagnostic confusion as it is a hallmark of the disorder. I cannot tell you how many OCD’ers I have talked to who ask me, “Is it really OCD?…I am worried it is not OCD…What if it isn’t OCD?” It is called the doubting disease after all. My feeling is that if you are asking yourself over and over, “Is it really OCD?” then in all probability it may well be OCD. Sometimes a person without OCD will wonder if they have it, but they are not usually so obsessive about it.

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Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Mental Illness, OCD, Psychology, Psychopathology