Category Archives: OCD

This is a Gay Website

Repost from the old site.

I have a little secret. Lots of people think that I am gay. It’s actually a problem.

I get a girlfriend, and if she is not a total moron, she asks if I am bisexual. Or if used to be gay. WTF is this “used to gay” BS? Once a homo, always a homo, right gays I mean guys?

If she’s a moron, she asks if I still am.

This is supposed to be some sort of a horribly embarrassing and humiliating thing for me, as my enemies love to use it to attack me. I must suffer sexual confusion. I must indeed.

I never really understood precisely why people think this way, as I have never seen myself on videotape. I consider myself a fairly masculine acting guy, and that’s how I feel deep down inside and that is what I identify with, but hey, I grew up in the 1970’s when everyone was sort of androgynous, and this is how I sort of ended up.

I have a very soft voice and I like to walk in a fluid way. I’m still kind of skinny in a stupid and now 10 pounds overweight and can’t lose an ounce kind of way. I cross my legs sometimes. I call it relaxing, but others call it gay. Can’t a guy kick back and enjoy himself?

Maybe it’s gay relaxing, in which case, dude, I am all fagged out, but that is ok. One thing you can do if it seems like half of the sentient universe thinks you are a fag is to find a nonsentient partner, who are easy to acquire in our inner cities.

Or else you can get an Asian chick. Asian chicks never think you are gay, cuz compared to Asian guys you are probably like Sylvester Stallone. I was in bed with this Asian woman once, and we still had our clothes on but not for long, and she asked, “So, are you feeling lazy today?” It’s true I was, but actually I was totally exhausted and plus I was totally stoned out of my gourd, as what better to do an Asian chick, then to take a couple of massive bong hits and then go to town on her?

As I am one lazy-ass mofo, and anyway truth is we all are, even so-called workaholics (GMAB), but yet I was insulted, yet I should have agreed and bragged about how I was swindling welfare or something equally lumpen and parasitical.

So Asian chicks think I am lazy but they never think I’m queer, except this Vietnamese woman who pointedly told me, “You look like a gay!” Well, that was nice of her, blaming God and all that. Thanks bitch.

It’s true! My face is all fagged out and I have the queerest features around, and let me tell you man, there’s nothing better. You get girls and guys both after you in whole armies sometimes, and it’s good to be loved.

One consequence of the Dang is that dude fagged out or what? thing is HOCD, or homosexual OCD. This is easily the stupidest mental illness on Earth, except they are terrified they are queer even when they are not, and it totally ruins their life over absolutely no damned good reason whatsoever.

So in a way it is a nihilistic sort of mental illness, a mental illness that only Kafka could have invented, an absurd mental illness that has no right to exist at all, kind of like most of us, you know?

I have done therapy with some HOCD sufferers online. It’s an interesting experience, but it’s also terrifying in a stupid way. If you ever got caught up in the straight person worried they are queer illness (Man, this that the lamest mental disease on Earth or what?), I do have some therapies for you.

First of all, admit it. Admit you are queer, take pride
in it and advocate it in everyone around you. If you are really insane, you can even make sexual offers to the males around you. This is fun, because since you are straight (Yeah sure! LOL) you don’t really want to do it.

It’s the ultimate expression of macho to say you’re queer and shout it to the skies. You hope everyone knows it’s a lie, but if not, you were just gay for a day, and that’s always a blast.

If I were comfortable with this, it would be one thing, but really I am not. I don’t like effeminate behavior in men, and I try to stay as far away from gay and bisexual men as I can. I’ve had far too many experiences with regular guys, married guys, on and on, to not be wary. I can’t even count the number of guys who I felt were getting way too friendly with me.

At least 25% of males are bisexual or at least opportunistically gay, except in Afghanistan, where the figure is 50% or more. Male bisexuality is everywhere, especially with omnisexual men in their 20’s, who will do it with anything, even a hole in a melon, I guess (I understand that this is the best sexual experience of all, surpassing anything a man can do with a live male or female).

Second of all, advocate for gay rights, now that you are gay and all that. Imagine that you are driving down the street and there is a billboard that has your name and picture on it and says, “[YOUR NAME] IS GAY!” And it has your photo and everything.

And then the paper comes and your pic is on the front page with a headline about how you are REALLY GAY! And everyone is laughing at you and calling you a fag and all, but that right there is a great reason to party, so just make one. Now when someone asks you to sign your name, you want to lie and write “Gay fag McCoy” and just leave it at that, but for the sake of social peace, you resist the urge.

Anyway, it took me a long time to just figure out that I am what I am. Not only do I dislike effeminate behavior in males; I also dislike wimpy males. Deep down inside, there is a part of me that is as macho as any man that ever lived – a lumberjack, a trucker, a fisherman – you name it, I can play that role. Not only that but it’s really me, it really is, and if you disagree with that, will kill you will no regrets as my inner Viking dictates.

I guess there is another side to me, and that’s ok. I always idolized Mick Jagger, Steve Tyler, the New York Dolls, Mott the Hoople and all the androgynous rock stars of the 1970’s. We all grew up with that, and it’s just normal to be that way.

These dudes dressed up like chicks and even wrote totally fagged out songs, but really they were just a bunch of gangbangers, a White Crips and Bloods, and they never queered around, or not too much anyway, or at least I don’t even care who fagged off and sucked on knobs and who didn’t.

If I could just tell folks, no, I’m straight, thank you very much, and it would be over, that would be ok. But the questions never stop coming, and the doubts never end. I must say it is discouraging, but only because this is such an important question.

A certain type of woman gets asked if she likes women, says, “No, I’m strictly dickly”, and the questions end, but for us guys, the doubts just linger. Is that stupid or what? I mean, bitch, I mean woman, I said I’m straight and that means I’m straight! You either understand that or you get tied to the bed again, is that understood? And you will answer Sir!”

Society must find male homo- and bisexuality much more upsetting than the female kind.

Anyway, as there is nothing I can do about this, and this unfortunate issue with remain with me for life, I assume, I hereby anoint this website an officially gay website. We will just make macho fraternity jokes about fags and stuff, and guys who are bi-queerious, I mean bi-curious, but all the while we won’t even fag off, not even once, and if he’s real cute, we promise. Kind of like a great bachelor pad or frat house.

I must admit that there is a part of me that loves being called gay. It’s just so wrong. I’ve gotten to the point where the best way to deal with it is to laugh uproariously and say, “I LOVE it when people think I am gay!”

Then I dance around the room and do my best gay imitation while hopefully some dudes go, “Whoa! Is this guy really is a queer?”, in their friend’s ear, and that makes it even better, as long as they don’t try to kick your ass or anything.

Then I love to tell gay stories just to freak people out and keep them guessing. Like, “I’m not gay or anything, but I once went to a gay bar and drank 13 Penis Coladas, one after the other. Oh, man were they great!”

But hey, I was young and experimenting and lots of guys do crazy things once or twice, even Hugh Hefner fucked a guy once, and if you call me a queer one more time, I am going to have to seriously kick your ass or maybe even kill you, do I make myself understood?

So it’s time for an obligatory gay post. How about Heroic Homo Sex? I love to talk about this website, because every time I do, everyone starts freaking out and looking at me like, “Shut up you idiot! Are you a FAG or what?” All the more reason to talk about it more and more and not just piss off a few people, but piss off as many people as possible!

Anyway, even if you are not gay, this is a great site. This is a site that deals with homosexuality and masculinity, gay culture and effeminate men, AIDS and the contours of masculinity. The author is gay himself, and the site has quite a bit of gay erotica and pornography. If that freaks you out, you better not go there.

But it’s definitely worth the look. The purpose of the site is to attack several aspects of modern gay life: anal sex and promiscuity. These are gay men who are not into anal sex; they think it is painful, dangerous and degrading.

And they have a fascinating thesis.

The thesis goes like this: Before gay liberation, gay men met and had relationships and engaged in all sorts of sex behaviors. Anal sex was not even that popular, and gay men were not tremendously promiscuous. But with gay liberation, came the normalization of gay anal sex.

According to the various articles linked on the site: the obsession with anal sex has been linked to gay liberation – gay lib mandated anal sex as a substitute for heterosexual intercourse. But the site painstakingly points out that the two types of sex are not the same. A vagina is designed by evolution to take a heavy duty penis-pounding, after all, this is one of its purposes.

It’s hard to damage a vagina, as it has a lot of redundancy in its walls. Hence the vagina is relatively refractory to getting blood-borne diseases like AIDS and Hepatitis C and B. You pretty much need to bleed a bit to get a disease like this, and it’s not so easy to make a vagina bleed. It amazingly accommodates a full-grown baby easily, another of its purposes.

An anus is not like this at all. Evolution designed it for elimination, and it has a very thin wall that is easily damaged, if even slightly, during anal sex. Bottom line: bleeding, even microscopic, usually occurs during anal sex. HIV is transmitted easily this way, as is Hepatitis B.

Furthermore, no one ever talks about this, but the site points out that regular anal sex causes anal leakage and fissures (small tears in the anus). More heavy duty stuff like fisting (that a lot of gays are into) can cause anal incontinence, fistulas and all sorts of nasty stuff. Anal prolapse can occur with years of this sort of sex.

Yet the gay community relentlessly promotes anal sex in gay pornography and even gay medical sites. On the medical sites, gay docs tell you to go ahead and engage in anal sex and don’t seem to steer men away from it.

Heroic Homo Sex feels that anal intercourse is ultimately damaging, if only slightly, to the anuses of gay men. Plus they are repulsed by the whole act.

They also promote a fascinating theory: it is not possible to get fucked, anally or vaginally, without having to play a submissive role. Getting fucked makes a person submissive. So gay sex, or being on the receiving end of it anyway, makes gay men submissive and ultimately effeminate. This because getting fucked is feminizing. Fucking is masculinizing.

Andrea Dworkin tried to say much the same thing about the violence inherent in the normative heterosexual sex act, but she was raked over the coals.

It is rape, dammit! That’s why you need to encourage your female partners to engage their rape fantasies to the fullest, since tons of women love to think about getting raped. So rape and rape and rape away, and make a satisfactory adjustment to married life anyway, as the old Abnormal Psych textbooks used to say.

Women act feminine in part because they get fucked. Men act masculine in part because they fuck. Have you ever noticed that when a woman wants to get fucked, or if you are getting ready to fuck her, she tends to act more and feminine, to the point where she is some kind of a silly Barbie Doll Southern woman thing?

Then in the sex act itself of course, tons of women want and love pain (trust me), as (my theory) being a woman is so painful, so if you’re a woman, you either become a bit of a sub and enjoy life or you are screwed and miserable and all bitched out.

The sex act itself, and the role one plays in it, has carry-over effects into nonsexual life.

The guys at Heroic Homo Sex are some interesting gay men. Not only are they repulsed by anal sex, but they are also sickened by the effeminate behavior of gay men. They propose an alternative: that gay men should become more masculine. As, deep down inside, I love masculine behavior, I have to cheer this on. This is great: there is a positive value in masculinity for any male, even a gay one.

The site is full of images of masculine gay men acting masculine, and it promotes a masculine mindset among the gay men who go there. Hear hear!

What they promote is something called frottage, which is basically two guys more or less rubbing their dicks up against each other. This is often combined with masculine images like wrestling and various forms of martial arts.

I guess there are variations on this theme, but it’s quite safe in terms of VD (a horrific problem with gay men due to the wild homosexuality many of them pursue), and it enables gay men to have sex with each other and at the same time retain a masculine identity.

They take the theorizing a bit further. They suggest in some of their essays that anal sex is inherently degrading in and of itself, at least as it is practiced in the gay community. So not only does anal sex make gay men effeminate, it also degrades them and makes them into “sluts”. This has been a part of gay porn culture too – the promotion of anal sex and rampant promiscuity in gay men.

The two are connected, the website suggests. For a man to get fucked anally turns him effeminate and has the effect of “turning him into a slut”. Gay culture promotes the image of the gay man as slut, whore, pig, prostitute, etc. The use of degrading terms is encouraged. So getting fucked effeminizes men and degrades them, turning them into promiscuous “fuck pigs”.

There is ample support for this theory if one takes the time to peruse gay culture. Check out the gay personals of any gay website, if you dare, and you will see tons of insane and rampant promiscuity along with a lot of dangerous anally-focused sex and the continuous promotion of the gay slut-pig sort of fellow.

Not that I am against slut-pigs at all, but more of them should be female and disease-free. This is my only wish at age 50 where Viagra moments become normative events.

The site goes so far as to term this whole gay degradation and sluttification process as a death cult. With AIDS raging through the gay community, that’s not just idle talk.

Anyway, interesting website from some gay men who are looking to turn gay culture seriously on its head. In the meantime, they are promoting some fascinating theories to explain hard to explain phenomena – theories that at least look good on paper.

And they promote an alternative image of gay men as sexually responsible, disease free, and masculine in a warrior sense. As a straight man who values masculinity in myself and other men, I have to cheer it on.

There are links all through the site leading to variations of their main theoretical issues, and you need to click around to get a feel for their whole worldview.

I sort of still have a “terror of gay stuff” OCD thing, so it’s really therapeutic for me to click through all this totally fagged out stuff, just to flood myself some more.

You cannot run from your fears. They must be embraced, head on, like diving into a swimming pool from a high board with no worries. Then you climb out and do it again and again and soon it’s nothing.

The author of the site is a gay man who went through the whole hippie thing in the 1960’s like a lot of us. His partner and the love of his life had a similar developmental trajectory and later acquired AIDS and died of it. The whole site is sort of a tribute to this man who he obviously still deeply loves. I found this touching in an odd way, though normally gay romance doesn’t do much for me.

Warning! There is lots of gay male erotica and even gay male porn on that site. I don’t mind; I just kind of speed through that stuff as it isn’t very interesting to me and it bothers me on some level. So if you can’t handle that sort of thing, don’t even go there. If you have HOCD, you need to go there, stop everything, hold the horses, not now, yesterday!


Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Culture, Gender Studies, Health, Homosexuality, Illness, Man World, Mental Illness, Music, OCD, Psychology, Reposts From The Old Site, Rock, Sex

Harm OCD Versus Other Conditions: Differential Diagnosis

A very frequent complaint in OCD patients is thoughts of harm, either harming oneself or others. The general rule is that the person never acts on the thoughts, although this is somewhat controversial. Some say there have been a few cases of OCD’ers acting on their harm obsessions. It’s just that I have personally never heard of a case. In addition, as a peer counselor, I have worked with many people who have this particular theme as they come to me for help. I haven’t met one person yet who acted on the thoughts, and I have known people who have had this theme for 25 years or more.

In one case, a man had an obsession about turning his bicycle either in parked cars or into pedestrians (I forget which). He did say that sometimes he would just start to act on the obsession and turn his bicycle, but every time he did this, he simply crashed his bike. No one was hurt other than himself.

Generally, people read my articles and simply self-diagnose as OCD with whatever theme they have going. 100% of the people coming to me self-diagnosing as harm theme were in fact suffering from that very condition.

What to look for:

Resistance: I would look first and foremost for resistance. Look at how hard the person fights the thought. The harder the person fights the thought, the more likely it is to be an obsession. In fact, I would say that thoughts that are ferociously resisted are always or almost always obsessions. Resistance to thoughts is not commonly seen in other conditions. In asking around informally, I found that most persons without OCD simply do not ever try to stop or fight off their thoughts. They tell me things like, “I only think things I want to think,” and “I don’t have unwanted thoughts.” So resistance to thoughts in non-OCD’ers is probably not common.

Although it is often said that resistance is a bad sign in OCD as it makes OCD worse, I don’t really mind seeing resistance. The reason is that if a person is ferociously resisting and doing so successfully, then the OCD is simply not that bad yet. As OCD gets worse and worse, resistance gets harder and harder. I have talked to a number of people where the thoughts have simply taken over the person’s mind and are going all the time. They can’t resist them anymore, if they ever could. Inability to resist thoughts or thoughts that have completely taken over is what I regard as a more serious case.

Ego-dystonic: The person hates the thoughts, or at least it seems as if a large part of the person hates the thoughts. The new theory is that the entire self hates the thoughts and that no part of a person wants an obsession, but this is a bit controversial. Nevertheless, this is what I believe. I have had people tell me things like, “I hate this with every fiber of my being.” That’s a good sign when they can think like that. As the condition worsens, the person gets more and more confused about whether they like the thoughts or not or want to get rid of them or not.

In an advanced case of Harm OCD, the person will feel evil and it will seem as if they like the thoughts and do not want to get rid of them. Nevertheless, feeling evil, feeling like they like the thoughts and feeling like they don’t want them to go away will cause alarm and profound anxiety in the person as they feel that they are turning evil.

Ego-alien: The person is often confused as to why they are even thinking these thoughts. They tell me, “I have thought one million times, why the Hell would I even think of this stuff even one time, ever?” “I love my mother/father/husband/wife, etc. so why am I thinking about killing them?” I ask them if they feel angry and they often say that they don’t. The person is often frankly mystified why they are even having these feelings in the first place.

Thoughts go against the person’s morals: This is the reason for all of the distress, the resistance, the anxiety and the alarm. The thought of hurting or killing others seems profoundly wrong on at least some level. This moral feeling is what engenders the strong resistance, discomfort, anxiety, worry, alarm and whatnot.

Differential diagnosis: There are apparently quite a few people with ego-syntonic fantasies of hurting and killing other people. Sometimes it is someone they hate and sometimes it is just anyone in general, women in general, or whatever. The whole problem with this sort of thinking is that the people who are never going to do it are the only ones who show up clinically – that is, only the OCD’ers are ever going to show up. The people who are really going to hurt or kill other people or who like to think about it and area not bothered by it simply do not show up seeking help.

They go through life either choosing to think these violent thoughts, or at some point they give them up. In some cases, they act on them, but in many other cases, they do not. But this is a real problem: truly violent people generally simply do not show up clinically asking for help to try to stop acting on their violent urges. It would be nice if they did, but they just do not.

Sociopathy: This is not OCD. Sociopathy develops in childhood and adolescence and is generally a long standing problem. A non-sociopathic person simply cannot turn into a sociopath in adulthood de novo; it’s not possible. If you’re not a sociopath by age 18, you will never be one.

A casual survey by a friend of mine of sociopaths on an Internet board revealed that most to all sociopaths agreed with the following: “Thinking about hurting or killing people is one of the few things that I actually enjoy thinking about.” So we see that most sociopaths take great pleasure in thinking about hurting or killing people. They think about it whenever they want to. If they want to think about it, they do, if they don’t want to think about it, they don’t. It’s ego-syntonic. They don’t feel bad about having these sorts of thoughts. Thinking about this stuff is simply their idea of a good time.

Unfortunately, most sociopaths never show up in a clinician’s office. However, there is a team currently following 5 teenage sociopaths with clinically significant fantasies of being serial killers. They love to think these thoughts. They are ego-syntonic. They enjoy them. Just thinking about something is fortunately not grounds yet for hospitalizing someone. Anyone can fantasize about being any kind of criminal that they want to be. As long at they don’t do anything, there’s nothing that the law or psychiatry can do. In the case of the five young men above, the team is doing an intervention to try to prevent these kids from acting on these fantasies of theirs.

It is certainly possible to have feelings like this for years, even decades, without ever acting on them. One theory is that for every one person running around being a serial killer, say, there are maybe 100-1000 (or some unknown number) who dream of such things but due to various controls or fears or whatnot, they are unwilling to act on their fantasies. Nobody has to do anything.

Lack of guilt: You will sometimes run across people who have violent fantasies about people they hate. This is not OCD. They will often tell you that they are not going to act on the thoughts, but it sounds like a good idea since they hate the person so much. They do not feel guilty about these thoughts; instead they enjoy them. The thoughts are not resisted. A famous psychiatrist said, “A homicidal fantasy a day keeps the psychiatrist away.”

In some more florid conditions such as Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder, the person is making overt threats and seems to be capable of carrying them out. In my experience, they generally still don’t act on the threat, at least not homicidally. Obviously in some cases they do though. But I have observed that the overwhelming majority of homicidal threats are simply empty threats.

Nevertheless, this is cause for alarm, and under the Tarsakoff Rule, they can be hospitalized for making specific threats towards a specific person. In other words, if a person says, “I feel like killing people,” there is nothing we can do. There’s nothing to act on. But if a person is making a specific threat towards a certain known individual that seems to be a credible threat, clinicians have to notify the person being threatened and the person making the threats may be hospitalized, although in many cases, they are not committed,or if they are, it is only for the 1-3 day minimum. It is very hard, if not impossible, to determine in a clinical setting exactly who is dangerous and who is not.

Potential serial killer stopped: I read a case online that was very interesting. A man had Bipolar Disorder. At some point in the disorder, he developed elaborate fantasies of being a serial killer. He had assembled a very fancy murder kit including all the implements and whatnot that he might need. He also had a list of about 20 people he was going to kill. He had been following them and observing them for some time and had taken precise notes on many aspects of their location, travels, and behavior. He had notebooks with elaborate plans on how he planned to kill these people.

It’s not known how or why he revealed this in therapy, but he did. The threat was considered credible enough to be actionable. He was hospitalized for 1.5 years in an institution in which he underwent intensive therapy and was given medication. At the end of the period, his fantasies and desires to be a serial killer had been completely eliminated. He no longer wanted to do these things. The team said this was a very unusual case of intervention.

They noted that he was not a sociopath, and this was probably the only reason that he volunteered his plans in therapy and was able to renounce his desires, be alleviated of his desires and return to society as a healthy member. The man had apparently had some ambivalence about his plans, and this was due to his not being a sociopath. This was not a case of OCD. He enjoyed his elaborate plans, had been planning them for some time, had assembled kits and stalked potential victims and had elaborate, pleasurable, long standing and ego-syntonic fantasies about homicide which were not resisted.

A person with Harm OCD will never assemble a murder kit, write down elaborate plans for how they are going to kill people, stalk potential victims or even carry weapons. The overwhelming emotion here is fear, and the tremendous fear will prevent them from doing any of those things.

In fact, I have talked to a number of Harm OCD people who had “disarm” themselves before they went to see another person. They would have to remove all potential weapons from their person so they could not use them to attack the person they were with. I had others who would “disarm their vehicle” when another person was getting into it. They would take all potential weapons and hide them under the seat of the car so they would not use them to attack the person.

Sexual sadism: Sexual sadism is a paraphilia that almost always develops in its strong form in childhood or adolescence. The person’s preferred means of arousal involves hurting, inflicting pain on, humiliating, degrading, insulting and abusing an other person. These are people who like to hurt other people. They get off on it sexually.

Unfortunately, a very large number of serial killers are sexual sadists. They kill in order to get off sexually. Their masturbatory fantasies, since childhood or adolescence, have typically involved sadism, torture or even homicide. It is very common for serial killers to have a history of kinky sex with their wives or lovers. The kinky sex usually involved bondage, discipline and sadism and masochism. In addition, many have an erotic arousal going with images of dead bodies. They collect photos of dead bodies or women who appear to be dead. They apparently get off to images of this sort of thing. This sort of “death pornography” is available on the Internet, and it is quite dangerous. It may be legitimate to ban it.

I would also like to point out that the BD/SM scene is not a harmless scene. You are far more likely to run into a highly dangerous person in the BD/SM than outside of it. In a recent case in Fallbrook, California, a Marine wife was murdered by a BD/SM threesome in part to realize a sadistic sexual fantasy of theirs. And that is not the only such case where BD/SM sex scenes escalated out of control to homicide or serial homicide.

In a recent article by a young woman who joined the Yale University BD/SM club, she said she met a man there who pulled a knife on her and raped her, then said it was a BD/SM act. These acts escalated over time. At one point, he suggested to her that he was a serial killer. It is actually not uncommon to run into such folks in the BD/SM scene as sociopaths and sadists who are interested in hurting people will be attracted to this sort of sex.

Unfortunately, in many cases, sexual sadism tends to escalate over time. There have been cases of serial killers or murderers who could only orgasm if they were pretending to strangle their wives. A rather typical case might involve a gay man who is a sadist (sadism is extremely common in the gay community). His sadistic activities escalate over time. The last time he had sex, he burned a man with cigarettes. He got so excited that he wanted to kill the man, and he had to restrain himself from doing that. He presented to therapy thinking he was out of control. He was afraid he would kill the next man he had sex with.

This is not OCD. Fantasies in paraphilias such as sexual sadism are typically very pleasurable. The thoughts, images, feelings and urges are either seldom or never resisted. So what we look for her is an ego-syntonic syndrome with a lack of resistance. In addition, we are looking for strong sadistic sexual fantasies, typically dating from an early age, that are powerfully arousing. Such fantasies will be absent in Harm OCD.

However, in some very bad cases of Harm OCD, violent and sadistic thoughts about torture, murder, cannibalism etc. intrude quite often during masturbation or possibly sex. This is not sexual sadism; it is OCD. I have talked to a couple of OCD’ers who have this sort of thing intruding while they masturbate, and it was extremely unpleasant for them. The difference here is due to the intrusive nature of the thoughts which are generally not present in sexual sadism, where instead of being intrusive the thoughts are pleasant.

On occasion, a sociopath or potential serial killer will present to someone or other, more often law enforcement than a clinician. Usually they present only once and then go away. Possibly years later, they may begin killing. In one case, one of the prime suspects for the possible Smiley Face Killer Gang presented to a police station about powerful urges to drown young men. He was afraid he was out of control, and he was going to act on them. The police could do nothing to retain him. This is not a case of OCD. This is a sociopathic person who simply feels out of control.

In a case in the UK, a serial killer gave a warning years before killing that he felt he was out of control, and he was afraid he was going to kill someone. Once again, this is not OCD. It’s another sociopath who fears they are losing control. This person will be having strong, ego-syntonic fantasies of homicide for a long time which are not resisted. They are pleasurable to the person, but he doesn’t want to act on them at the time, probably due to fear of going to prison. Over time, homicidal fantasies may become stronger so that the capacity to resist putting them into action becomes more difficult.

In short, a diagnosis of Harm OCD is relatively straightforward and should prevent few problems.

What we are looking at here is the difference between problems of fear and problems of desire. OCD is a problem of fear. These other problems are problems of desire.


Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Borderline, Crime, Mental Illness, Mood Disorders, OCD, Personality Disorders, Psychology, Psychopathology, Psychotherapy, Serial Killers, Sex, Sociopathy

Would I Give Up My OCD?

Jameson asks:

Hey Robert if you had the option to be rid of OCD forever at this very moment would you do it? Would you really go back to an average thinking joe? I have a feeling that you wouldn’t.

Actually I think I have always had OCD. Even when I was a young and healthy man, I had obsessions. One was sort of a background worry about being gay, but I didn’t deal with it most of the time.

The main one was a worry that I might be impotent next time I had sex. There were all these countless girls and women hither and thither, running all through my life, and I was always thinking, “Ok, if I try to fuck this chick, am I going to be able to get it up or not? Am I going to be impotent? Am I going to get it up lose it?” Of course if you worry about that all the time, it tends to happen more often than otherwise. It happened a few times, and that made it all worse. I think I am finally over it by now.

The two worries sort of ran into each other like, “What if this chick thinks I’m gay? What if these people think I’m gay? Then what if I go to fuck this chick, and I can’t get it up? Then she’s definitely going to think that I couldn’t get it up because I’m gay. And she will tell everyone in the whole world, including all of my friends, and they might start thinking I’m a fag too.”

I haven’t had a serious experience like this since my early 20’s, but now I am at the age where I am starting to get physical impotence sometimes, and that’s even more depressing.

In the ensuing period, sometimes I didn’t have a hardon, but I would just not flip out. Instead I would say, “Ok, cool, I don’t have a hardon, no big.” Then I would just focus on the woman and say the Hell with my dick. I would go and suck her tits or eat her pussy for 30 or 45 minutes. Well you start sucking those titties or eating some serious pussy, after a while, you are gonna get a hardon. Then when you get one, just use it. That’s the way you deal with it. If you don’t have a hardon and you flip like, “Oh noes! I don’t have a hardon! Catastrophe!” Well it tends to stay soft.

I figure if you can get it up and keep it up at some point in the encounter, then that’s not an incidence of impotence, and the sex therapists agree with me on that one.

I was in my late teens and early 20’s and having tons of sex with girls and women, and all I could think about was, “Am I gonna be able to get it up? What if I lose it?” Fucking pitiful.

There is definitely a very good side to this illness. Do you see all this obsessive research and reporting that I do? Well that is the good side of OCD. As far as the bad side goes, it’s frankly complete garbage and it screws up my life something awful. There’s quite literally nothing good about it at all. It’s just a life-wrecker or life screwer upper.


Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Mental Illness, OCD, Psychology, Psychopathology, Sex

Various Pure OCD Themes

Fly By Night writes:

I definitely have obsessive compulsive disorder. I have this thing about double checking locked doors, whether my house or car. I check and double check and check again. and maybe check again to be sure……Yeah I’m NUTS- they are going to take me away ha ha but that’s all I do in that regard.

Those are the compulsions. I work mostly with Pure O types. They just have the thoughts with no over behaviors. It’s extremely common, but the clinicians don’t understand it all because everyone thinks OCD is all about the compulsions and hand-washing and whatnot.

The obsessions or intrusive thoughts are like the “popups” you get on your computer. Research shows that 80% of the population has obsessions, on average maybe once a week. Some say that they other 20% are probably lying.

You have probably had thoughts like that before.

I will tell a few of them that I have had.

When hiking, going to the edge of a huge cliff with a 500-1000 foot dropoff where it would be trivial to just toss yourself off and it would surely not be survivable. I have had urges to throw myself off the cliff. I’ve had these for a while now, and I haven’t acted on one of them yet.

Urge to turn the wheel and drive right into oncoming traffic. Thank God those are pretty much gone now, but those are some of the scariest ones of them all.

See someone walking down the side of the road, and urge to turn the wheel and run the person over. Also with people in crosswalks when you are stopped at a crosswalk. I don’t really have these too much anymore, and it’s a good thing because they are scary as Hell.

Turn on the garbage grinder and strong urge to put my hand down in the grinder. This one was so overwhelming that I would have to put my hand in my back pocket to keep from doing it.

Gay thoughts. Sitting there talking to some guy, and all of a sudden all of these gay thoughts about all this gay stuff you want to do with him comes into your head. I hardly get those anymore either, thank God because I really hate them.

Weird, totally insane thoughts. When Hinckley shot Ronald Reagan, reports emerged that he was disturbed. For one thing, he was convinced that he was in love with Jody Foster and she was in love with him too. For some reason, this set off the assassination attempt. When I read that, a thought popped into my mind saying, “I’m in love with Jody Foster!” I quickly shut it down with, “No way! No way! No way!”

When I was in Sunday School, they lied and told us that God can hear every thought that you had. I got really upset on hearing that my mind started saying, “Fuck God!Fuck God! Fuck God! Fuck God! Fuck God!” It went on for about 10 minutes like that while I ferociously tried to stop them.

So there’s just a brief rundown of some obsessions that I have had going back since age 12.

All of these are pretty much typical obsessive or intrusive thoughts that say 80% of the population has. But they only come in once in a while. With OCD, these obsessions, instead of only coming in once a week, instead come very often, frequently even for much of the day.

People I talk to worry that they are schizophrenic or psychotic, worry that they are gay, bisexual or straight (that is if they are gay), worry that they are murderers or violent people and that they are going to attack, rape, kill or try to kill others, worry that they are pedophiles, worry that they don’t love their lover or spouse, worry that they are suicidal, worry that they are actually the opposite sex, are trapped in endless philosophical worries, worry that they are racists, worry that one has AIDS, worry that they hate either people or have unwanted bad thoughts about others, etc. Some just have random noises or even unwanted “voices” or sounds going in their head like dogs barking, people talking in different voices, things like that. Some just have totally uncontrolled random intrusive thoughts that are popping up all over the place.

Worry that one is gay or bisexual = HOCD, gay OCD, etc.

Worry that one is straight = Straight OCD (not common)

Worry that one is a pedophile = POCD

Worry that one does not love their lover or spouse – ROCD or relationship OCD

Worry that one is psychotic or schizophrenic = Schiz OCD

Strange philosophical quandrums that are unresolvable – Philosophical OCD

Worry that one is a racist, unwanted racist thoughts – Racist OCD

Worry that one is suicidal = Suicide OCD (interesting, I would like to work with someone like that)

Worry that one is the opposite sex = GID OCD (I think)

Worry that one has AIDS (AIDS OCD)

There are other themes out there that don’t necessarily even have names.

Persons with self-harm, harming others, rape or pedophile themes will either never or almost never act on these thoughts. I just tell myself that they are never going to do it, and then I don’t worry about it anymore. I have known people who were absolutely convinced that they were serial killers or pedophiles, but I didn’t worry about them acting on these thoughts for one second.

The illness gets quite bad, and when they are at their worst, they are so out there that they actually appear psychotic. In fact, I have talked to a lot of OCD people who had been diagnosed psychotic. I was able to ascertain in every single case that the person was actually not even psychotic at all. At least a few had been diagnosed schizophrenic, bipolar, danger to themselves or others, etc. I just tell all of them that their doctor is wrong and go get yourself a new doctor.


Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Mental Illness, OCD, Psychology, Psychopathology, Psychotherapy

Differnces Between Schizophrenia and OCD

Here we discuss some differences between schizophrenia and OCD. A commenter asks if I have schizophrenia.

Isn’t blunted emotions and weird, chaotic or intrusive thoughts more on the schizophrenia side of things?

I don’t have schizophrenia. A lot of OCD’ers complain that their emotions seem dead. Anyway, I don’t have the dead emotions of a schizophrenic. I have “constricted affect.”

What you see in a schizophrenic is totally different. Also, in schizophrenia, there is a lot more going on than weird, chaotic and intrusive thoughts, and anyway, in schiz, the thoughts are willed and wanted and not intrusive in general. For instance, schiz don’t try to stop their thoughts (typical of intrusive thoughts). They just accept them all of their normal thoughts.

I actually had a type of OCD called Schiz OCD for a bit. I was convinced that I had schizophrenia. One guy I saw thought I might have it. I argued with him, and he said, “All I know is you are way too electric right now.”

I called up a bunch of therapists on the phone when I was going seriously nuts and told them exactly what was happening. They all said, “It’s not schizophrenia. It looks like OCD, but it’s gotten way, way worse.” One guy said, “Look! If you were going psychotic, you wouldn’t be calling me up right now.”

I finally went to a doc and he got together with a psychiatrist and they discussed whether or not I was psychotic. They said, “No way! Forget it! They only delusion you have is that you’re psychotic!”

Unfortunately, when OCD gets really bad, they look psychotic. I run into OCD’ers all the time who have a psychotic dx and who have even been hospitalized as a danger to themselves or others with a psychotic dx on dismissal. I argued with all of them that they are not psychotic. The problem is in figuring out the difference between the delusions of psychosis and the obsessions of OCD, which unfortunately look similar sometimes. I can always tell, but clinicians can’t.

Anyway, we had big long arguments with me and this therapists, me saying I was schizophrenic and he saying I was not.

When I got really bad, things got really really weird. I sensed a presence in the world, and evil presence, like the Devil or something, and it seemed like it wanted me to do bad things. I didn’t do any bad things.

The people in the TV seemed really real and it seemed like they could walk out of the TV into the room. The newscasters especially seemed like they were talking right to me. I knew they weren’t, but it was pretty weird.

My thoughts were coming in loudspeakers and often they came in colors too. Typically the colors were faded like faded red or faded light green. Often the thoughts repeated over and over like strobe lights. Colors in the environment got a lot brighter (I still get this one sometimes.)

All of this stuff went right away with an SSRI, which proves it wasn’t psychosis. In psychosis, you need an antipsychotic.

It’s been 21 years since that madness went on, and it hasn’t come back, but I am always afraid it will.

I don’t have schizophrenia. The therapists have already beaten that one to death.


Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Mental Illness, OCD, Psychology, Psychopathology, Psychotherapy, Psychotic Disorders, Schizophrenia

Pedophilia Versus POCD Redux

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve had pure O my whole life. As a child it was both religion and contamination related. As I got older it turned into health and contamination related. (I became an atheist and stopped caring about intrusive anti-religious thoughts.)

But here’s where it gets a little tricky. When I was 10 years old and just discovering my sexuality, I noticed that I especially had a fondness for girls who were 5-7 years old. I knew this was much different than others my age, and felt quite guilty about it. I was also attracted to 10 year olds, however.

As I got older, every time I saw a cute little girl, I would avert my eyes and repeat to myself in my mind “I’m not a pedophile, I’m NOT a pedophile.” It felt very much like the intrusive thoughts from my OCD and happened constantly. This continued until around 16 years old.

At this point, I became interested in anime and the primary school aged characters in these shows. I talked to others who were interested in animated little girl characters also. At this point, I was still having intrusive thoughts, but being interested in the fictional characters didn’t bother me at all.

And then, in the same places where I was discussing these fictional characters, people would also often post pictures of elementary school girl models and actresses. I began masturbating to these photographs, but every time I would feel immensely guilty and hate myself for it.

Awhile later, I met a 6 year old girl. She began visiting us often. I just fell in love. In no other time in my life had I felt this way before. She was a joy to be around and extremely beautiful. We became very close, and I cared for her more than anything. After meeting her, all intrusive thoughts stopped and I accepted my attraction as normal for me.

I’m now in the my early 20s, and have very little interest in women. The pedophilic intrusive thoughts are no longer there, only the ones based on health worries and contamination remain.

I do have sexual thoughts about young girls, but I see them as normal for me now. Although when I see a cute girl that I’m interested in, it’s closer to crushing than lust. “Oh wow, she’s so beautiful.” The girls that I tend to like are between the ages of 5 and 11. They are just so cute.

Now, based on this information, do you think I have a pedophilic orientation? Or do you think it’s possible that I had POCD and just gave up fighting it?

A few things to consider: I would never touch a girl, I know it’s wrong.

It also has nothing to do with being dominant. I actually find the idea of dominating a young girl extremely disgusting.

It also is not only physical, I am extremely attracted to the personalities of very young girls, and just hanging out and playing games with them have been the best experiences I’ve ever had in my life.

This is a fascinating post. It shows that someone can have both OCD and pedophilia, so the notion that OCD’ers are too good or too moral to develop pedophilia is not correct.

Pedophilia in my opinion is simply a sexual orientation like homosexuality, bisexuality or heterosexuality. It can’t be much changed like any of those. There are countless gay and bisexual OCD’ers. I know because I have talked to many of them. Surely there must be some OCD’ers with a pedophilic orientation.

It’s probably better for a pedophile to have OCD than to not have it. The OCD pedophile will be a lot less likely to act on his urges due to his extreme morality, guilt and conscientiousness. The OCD will act as an inhibitor towards acting on the pedophilia.

I am absolutely certain that he has pedophilia. There’s no way that he could possibly have POCD and just gave up fighting it. Though it shows that there are some similarities between POCD and true pedophilia, and this shows how differential dx is so difficult with these cases.

I am actually sorry to hear that he has no attraction to adult females, but perhaps this is his normal orientation. I wish he had an adult attraction so he could live and love happily and legally in our society. As is, his sex life may well be barren or solitary and his love life may be thwarted.

However, many pedophiles are absolutely happy with their orientation and love being this way. He seems like he is too. I am very glad to see that he is happy with his orientation and his sexual and love desires. I love to see people who are happy. I agree that him that he should not act on this orientation as it’s illegal.

If he ever wants to have a real sex life with a female or really fall legally in love with a female, he will need to expand his love map to include adults, though most pedophiles have no interest in doing this. In fact, many to most pedophiles say that even if there was a cure for pedophilia, they would not take the cure.

I also love females of all ages. I love females period. Little girls are wonderful in a special way as a special kind of female, though I see them as seeds of women rather than fully formed entities and I see women as the fully town product rather than girls that moved on.

But there’s a girl inside every woman, and a budding woman inside every girl. If you love females, you learn to love the sprouted seed of girl in the woman and the sprouting woman in the girl. In a way, they are one and the same – females at different stages.

I actually like teenage girls a lot more than little girls. Little girls seem ridiculous to me, and there’s little sexual attraction there. I had a world full of good and great times with teenage girls, often sexual, when I was young, and I think about those wonderful days all the time. When I see teenage girls, I reminisce. About the teenage girls that I knew and loved, who will live forever in my heart.

Though when I do meet a teenage girl nowadays, they seem silly to me, and I can’t see getting involved with them. I would not do it even if it was legal. But the teenage girl is definitely a special type of female – not a girl and not a woman. Not better than a woman or a girl but only different.

I probably like adult females 18+ best of all, since they are legal. I like teenage girls who are fully developed, around age 16-17 because to me that’s just a woman. But their immaturity is a massive turnoff. Even young women of college age often turn me off now because they seem to immature and silly.

A fully formed and mature woman is not only maximally attractive to me (all females age 16+ are maximally attractive to me) but her mind is also fully matured, and that is a massive turn-on to me as I get older. Sex and love is more than just a hot body you know. And the fully formed and fully matured woman has a joyous wonder and glory about her that is equal to if not superior to that the teenage girl and the girl. All the female maturational types are wonderful in their own special ways.


Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Girls, Jailbait, Lolitas, Mental Illness, OCD, Pedophilia, Psychology, Psychopathology, Sex, Women

What OCD Is Not

First of all, let us look at the case of Jack Harrison Trawick. Trawick is truly one sick puppy! He was executed in 2011 in for the rape and murder of a 22 year old woman in 1992. His defense attorneys said he had a lifetime history of schizophrenia since age 11, but he sure planned his murders well.

He had long been preoccupied with sex and violence and treatments were rendered to him to try to cure him of these preoccupations. He also murdered a 26 year old woman, for which he was also convicted. For decades, he committed burglaries to terrify women he saw as attractive. He cut up their underwear and left menacing messages on their mirrors in lipstick.

A man set up a website dedicated to him, vowing to turn him into an international superstar. Trawick sent the website many of his sick drawings and letters, including imaginary conservations with his last victim, sicks jokes and threats to famous women such as Brittney Spears and Jennifer Lopez.

The author says he has been fascinated with serial killers since he was a young boy. He also says he has OCD, apparently with the harm theme. He gets thoughts about killing his cats. “I’ve always been an animal lover,” O’Connor said in the telephone interview. “I have four very cute cats. The cutest of the cats a lot of times I just think about stomping on it until her eyes pop out of her head.” The website supposedly alleviates his symptoms somewhat.

The problem is that this guy seems to love violence. He seems like he likes to think about killing his cats, and he loves to think about serial killers and all of the horrible things that they do. He relishes this stuff and wallows in it.

There are plenty of people like that, but folks with Harm OCD are usually terrified of their thoughts. Many stop reading, listening to or watching video of murders or any kind of violence because it sends them into a panic. Quite a few said they used to like horror movies or violent video games but they stopped enjoying these things after the thoughts came on.

Now I am not saying this guy doesn’t have OCD, but his fascination with the subject of violence doesn’t seem to be normal for these people and paints a false image of people with this problem as some sort of maniacs or sickos.

It is true that some folks with this problem expose themselves to violent material as a therapeutic tool, but I assure you that it’s a painful and anxiety-ridden process for them.

I am not going to reprint the killer’s letters here, but if you go to the site and read them, they are really sick!

On this site, a woman writes that her mother knew the killer as he delivered furniture to a store she worked at. She said he was also so nice and kind that she simply refused to believe that he could do such a thing.

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Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Crime, Evil, Mental Illness, Murders, OCD, Psychology, Psychopathology, Serial Killers, Sick and Evil

Alternate Identities in OCD

A lot of people with OCD develop “alternative identities.”

Harm O folks develop identities called “the murderer”, “the serial killer,” “the sociopath,” “the rapist,” “the criminal,” etc. HOCD people develop identities called, “the queer,” “the fag,” “the gay,” “the lez,” “the dyke,” etc. POCD people develop “the pedo,” “the child molester,” etc. Others might develop “the racist,” “the misanthrope,” or “the misogynist.” You really start to feel like these other things.

I don’t know much about other themes too much, but there might be identity changes with those too.

If you are really bad, you will be in the alternate identity all the time.

If less bad, it will fade in and out. You will be driving along, and “the fag” takes over. You walk into a store, and all of a sudden, “the serial killer” becomes you. Often a lot of effort is expended trying to shake off the alternate identity and get back into what feels like your real one.

It’s extremely creepy and unnerving.

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Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Mental Illness, OCD, Psychology, Psychopathology

Do People Without OCD Ever Try to Stop Their Thoughts?

I do not think that most normal go around trying to stop thoughts all the time. Most people just think about whatever they want to, and aren’t resisting unwanted thoughts all the time. I asked a friend of mine if she had ever tried to stop a thought, and she said she had never tried to stop one thought in her entire life. She acknowledged that she worried about things sometimes, but these thoughts were not resisted as unwanted or alien intrusions.

I asked another friend whether she resisted or tried to stop her thoughts, and she told me that she never did. She said sometimes she gets unwanted memories or thinks about stuff she doesn’t really want to think about, but she doesn’t try to stop the thoughts.

Before I had OCD real bad, did I try to stop thoughts? Not much, but I did have obsessions from time to time.

The first one that I remember was when I was 12 years old. I was in Sunday school and they told us that God can hear every single one of your thoughts. Well, that set my mind off. Mind started saying, “Fuck God! Fuck you, God!” over and over. This went on for 10-15 minutes while I panicked and tried to stop the thoughts. They didn’t return that I am aware of.

The next one that I am aware of was about the garbage grinder. Not sure when it started, but I would get very strong urges to stick my hand down in the garbage grinder when it was going. That would be a catastrophe if I did that, so of course I never did it. For a while, I even stuck my hand in my back pocket while the grinder was going to keep from doing it.

I also had some gay thoughts, but those were obsessions and not real feelings.

They started around 1979. I would be sitting there talking to some guy, just him and me together, and all of sudden I would think, “I want to suck your cock!” That thought would just repeat over and over for 30 minutes to an hour. I would try to stop it, but I couldn’t. I seemed to able to carry on the conversations anyway, though it was annoying. I’ve always been heterosexual, so the thoughts didn’t make any kind of sense. They were not accompanied by any erotic feelings or anything like that.

One time I was interviewing a very famous rock star in a record company office in Hollywood when the gay thoughts started up. They went through the whole interview, but he was nice enough anyway. I still got good notes. He just died the other day.

One time when I heard about Hinckley, the guy who shot Reagan, and that he was in love with Jody Foster, my mind said, “I’m in love with Jody Foster!” I thought, “Whoa! Weird thought, man,” and I just dismissed it. I later mentioned this to my father and pointed out that just thinking something like that doesn’t mean you’re insane, but he just glowered at me and shook his head contemptuously. I guess he thought I was nuts.

Another time I was reading about the Lawrence Bittaker and Roy Norris case, a truly horrific case of serial murders that rocked Los Angeles in 1979 and 1980. They tortured one woman to death by stabbing her in the ear with an icepick. When I read that, I got an image of the stabbing with the icepick going into her ear repeatedly while she screamed. Every time the pick went in, my mind said, “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!”

It was extremely disturbing to have those thoughts, but they only lasted a short time, maybe less than a minute. I was panicking out and furiously trying to stop them the whole time. They didn’t come back, but for a long time afterwards, I was really worried about myself even for thinking that way for 30 seconds one time.

All of the above are more or less OCD symptoms, or obsessions. Science has proven that ~80% of humans have obsessions at one time or another, so in a sense they are normal. But I don’t think it’s normal to fight them for an hour or so at a time.  On the other hand, if OCD symptoms are mild, only going on for maybe 3 hours or less out of a whole year, there’s not a whole lot to worry about.

There were other times when I just felt uncomfortable, but that didn’t feel like OCD. It just felt like a crappy feeling that I wanted to get away from.

For a while there, I was hanging around with people made me uncomfortable because they were ignorant and not that smart. At the time, I was in college. It was annoying to hang around with these people, who struck me as idiots, so I would get uncomfortable a lot of time when we were hanging out. They would come over to my place and put the latest retard Hollywood blockbuster on the VCR and sit there and laugh and cheer while I put my head in my hands.

Another time I was on a date with this 16 year old girl who was wildly in love with me. I was 20 at the time, but I used to screw all kinds of underage girls back in those days. I stopped when I was 21.

The first date was ok, but she was so stupid and idiotic teenage girl girlie that I was almost cringing. We had sex anyway, and it was lots of fun. She was horny as all get out. We planned a date for the next weekend, and that week, I was a wreck.

My friend was over visiting me at my place, and he asked me what was going on, and I said I had a date with girl, and I didn’t even like her. He was outraged. “You’re going out with a chick and you don’t even like her! You’re an asshole!” He shrieked. I felt horrible, like the worst person on Earth, crushed with guilt.

Well, the hottie was even hornier before the second date, so I figured, “Why not, let’s get laid. What the Hell man?” I went out with her, and I felt so uncomfortable, I was almost squirming the whole time.

We tried to have sex, but I had an impotence problem, which made me feel really awful. I relaxed more and an hour or so later, we tried it again, and this time it worked and we had wild sex. But I was still really uncomfortable with her. I am not sure if I was trying to get outside that feeling or what, but I was just stuck with it, and it didn’t feel good. I wanted to fake it with this chick, but my body was just saying,  “No way, dude.”

I dropped her off at her place, and she said her parents were going out of town in a couple of weeks, and she wanted me to come over every time so we could fuck constantly. I was like, “Oh my God. No way can I do this.”

I saw her later, and I dumped her just like that. Her face melted right in front of me, and she burst into a vale of tears like a little girl, then she ran inside her house really fast, like a little girl once again. I stood there feeling like the worst scum on the face of the Earth, just devastated with guilt.

Later she told all her friends about me, and some of her teenage friends saw me one time. They came up to me and said, “We heard about what you did. You fucked her and dumped her! You’re an asshole!” I felt like a sack of worms once again.

Later I was with a friend at some park fair, and she was at a booth. I gingerly walked up to the booth, greeted her apologetically, and maybe bought something. She was pleasant enough. I walked away, and her two teenage girl friends were all over my ex girlfriend, swarming their lips in her ears the way girls do. She was apparently telling them, “Hey, I fucked that guy!” Her friends looked at me like I was a Fillet Mignon.

Another time we were on a bus going to Colorado. We had a keg on the bus and we were getting wasted. Most of us were totaled, and some of us were stoned on weed from a bong. The driver was laughing about the keg, but he was mad about the bong.

This girl was in the lap of this total idiot, and he was doing much about it. I looked at her and worked my magic. Her eyes saw me and went to Heaven. I reached my hand out and she reached out hers, and I pulled her away from the idiot. She was happy to be rescued, a damsel in distress.

We had a hot and wild messing around session for while, and we even had some weird kind of sex, or as much sex as you can have on a bus seat in a bus full of people. My friend came by and saw us messing around. He leaned over, the chick left me, and then he and her made out for a while, him leaning over her while she was in my lap. Weird and almost group sex but not quite.

I woke up the next morning with a hangover, and I looked at her and I thought, “Damn! She sure looked better last night when I was totaled!” She looked like Hell. I went back to a couple of seats where a couple other chicks, friends of mine, were sitting, squeezed in between them and smoked some weed.

Then I went back and felt more and more uncomfortable. I could not wait to get away from this chick. We stopped for breakfast, and she went off with her giggling friends in a whispering gaggle as her friends pointed at me. Some idiot “friend” of mine said accusatorily, “You blew it! You got involved too early in the trip!” I felt crushed. A couple I was friends with came up to me and basically said, “Good score!”

We went back on the bus, and I got more and more uncomfortable. I did not want to be with this chick! Finally, she read the writing and moved to another seat, and it was all over.

So sometimes we struggle with our feelings for this or that reason, but that isn’t the same thing as resisting an unwanted thought, feeling or urge that you get in OCD.

Qualitatively, it’s completely different. I can’t put it into words, but it’s like the two experiences are from different planets.

Bottom line is I just do not believe that normal folks go around struggling with unwanted thoughts, feelings and urges all the time. It’s just ridiculous.


Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Mental Illness, OCD, Psychology, Psychopathology

Resistance Is the Essence of OCD

I am familiar with Harm OCD.

At the same time, of course I have had many homicidal feelings and feelings of wanting to hurt people. Generally people who I hated for this or that reason. I have even fantasized about murdering them, how I would go about it, how I would pull it off, etc. Those thoughts were extremely pleasant, and of course I never tried to stop them a single time, although I tried to make sure I didn’t actually do it because I didn’t think it would be a good idea for a lot of reasons.

I might get caught, number 1.

The victim might turn on me and kill me, number 2.

I might not be able to live well with myself afterwards, number 3.

And last, wondering if even my worst enemies on this Earth deserve the death penalty via me.

I assure you that I did not try to stop any of these feelings, urges, behaviors or thoughts! Never, never, never, never, not even one time did I try to stop a thought, feeling, urge or action like that.

True violent feelings are so completely different from OCD they are like from different planets.

I am also familiar with sexual OCD.

I am also heterosexual and have had about a trillion sexual thoughts, feelings, urges, etc. towards mature females of a variety of ages. I assure you that never a single time did I ever resist any of those thoughts, feelings or urges. Not once, not ever, ever, ever.

Real sexual thoughts are so different from sexual OCD that once again, they seem like they’re from another planet.

I have asked people without OCD and they told me that they simply never try to stop their thoughts. One person said, “I only think about things I want to think about.” They said they had never tried to stop a single thought in their entire lives.

In my opinion, if you try to stop the thoughts, feelings, urges, etc., then it’s OCD. Period.


Filed under Anxiety Disorders, Mental Illness, OCD, Psychology, Psychopathology, Sex