Category Archives: Humor

How To Figure Out If You’re Smart Or Not

Not that it matters anyway as dumb people seem to have a lot more fun, but a lot of especially young folks are all twisted akimbo this way and that, mentally contorting themselves with anxieties about whether they are smart enough.

First of all.

Most humans are pretty damn smart. Even most people who seem like idiots are probably smarter than you think. Don’t believe me? Go talk to one of those “idiots.” Come back and let me know how it went. See what I mean?*

*Don’t try this with Mexicans. You’ll be disappointed. Mexicans as a race have perfected the ultimate in pure, studious ignorance. They smugly wear it, chin high in the air, like a flag on their damned lapels. But they seem to enjoy life anyway, so who cares really?

Ok now that we got the preliminaries out of the way, what does the question mean? You don’t want to know if you’re smart. You’re human. We know you’re smart (unless you’re a Mexican).

What you are asking in this question is this: Am I a lot smarter than just about everyone else?

Let’s get the outliers out of the way first of all. Can you do differential equations in your head? Preferably while having sex? And not only that, but wild acrobatic sex?** If you are answer yes, you can stop reading right now and take a seat at the front of the stage while we finish our presentation. Yeah you’re smart. Your brain burns brighter than Alpha Centauri.

OK, dirty little secret. Here’s how you do it. Are people always telling you you’re smart? Ok. That means you’re smart. No really. People are more honest than you think. Most people don’t go around telling idiots that they’re smart. Most idiots don’t care anyway, so why lie?

Now. Are you people always telling you, drop-jawed, wide-eyed, stunned, head-shakingly incredulous and saying stuff like, “You’re the smartest person I know…You’re like a human encyclopedia…You’re real smart – real smart. I can’t believe how smart you are. You’re smart as Hell!” And best of all, “Ever since I met you, everyone I meet seems dumb.”

Ok, now you’re not just smart. You’re real smart. Like real, real, real, real smart. Like smarter than 99% of the damned population. Like genius IQ smart.

And now you may feel free to crash and burn your life into the most glorious of ruins, just like me. You’re a shooting star.

Pick up that glass thing over there. Tip it to your lips. Raise it in a roaring cheer. And drink to the wreckage. The spectacular wreckage.

Good night, everyone. Good night.

**One of the most famous geniuses of our modern era, with a stratospheric IQ score at least in childhood, was yet another infamous William Sidis-like burnout. She dropped out completely, disdained all further studies and pretentious notions of a professional career and decided instead to work as a prostitute. In her particular case, a high class call girl. And it’s true. She used to impress her clients by doing differential equations in her head in the middle of the wildest sex acts. Now that’s an act that’s hard to beat.

They say your IQ is useless unless you use it. Differential equations in your head while performing Houdiniesque sex? What? Einstein? Take a seat over there. The lady has the stage now, dammit! Now if that ain’t using your Goddamned IQ, then I don’t know what is.

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Filed under Humor, Intelligence, Psychology

Liberation Anyone?

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Here we come Venezuela. It’s America, here to bring freedom and democracy! Open up! Let us in! We are the harbingers of freedom and human rights, so you need to be liberated with democracy so we can give you some human rights and freedom and all that jazz. And after we liberate you, boy will you have a lot of human rights! Oh man! If you survive our genocidal liberation that is!

Honestly, I just cannot understand why Venezuelan ingrates do not want to get liberated like all the rest of the countries we liberated with freedom and democracy lately. What’s 500,000-1.5 million dead if you get wonderful democracy in the end? I’m sure the Libyans, Syrians and Iraqis all appreciate that wonderful democracy we gave them.

Not to mention the Afghanis. Hell, only ~1 million of them have died since we invaded? And look at the great democracy they have now! Good thing Afghanistan is not a failed state or anything like that! Whew, we really dodged a bullet there, huh?

Syria still needs liberating, a work in progress, but isn’t it a great thing? Isn’t it better to be ruled by the Arab Spring of democracy and freedom in the areas ruled by ISIS, Al Qaeda and other radical jihadis? They allow lots of freedom and democracy in those places, I bet! Better than living under that evil dictator Assad. Can you imagine the gall of that man? He actually lets the Syrian Christians survive instead of killing them, evicting them and making them pay the jizya like the jihadist freedom fighters in ISIS and Al Qaeda do! Outrageous!

I’m sure glad we haven’t turned Syria into a failed state and a nightmare on Earth. We Americans are too nice to do that. After all, we are good. We are always good. It’s only our enemies who are bad, and they are always pure evil. Everything is black and white! America is always pure good, and its enemies are always pure evil. I’m sure glad everything is so simple! Otherwise I might get confused! After all, I’m just an idiot American! Forgive me if I can’t think! No one ever taught me to!

Iraq is already free. Yay! Freedom! Freedom fries! Down with the French! Down with the Eurotrash and their pussy human rights crap! What’s all this crap about saving lives? America isn’t here to save lives. We’re here to do the opposite. To bring freedom and democracy! Yay!

Isn’t freedom great? Bombs going off all the time, full-blown war and atrocities every time you look out the window, actual genocides going on…wow! Who wouldn’t trade a dictatorship for such wonderful things?

And look at Libya! Good thing it’s not a failed state or anything like that!

America doesn’t create failed states. We create democracies! Yay! Yay for democracy! Yay for freedom! Yay for Humanitarian Bombing! Yay for democracy at gunpoint in a hail of bullets with a side order of genocide to go! God I love America.

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! 

We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one!

 

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Filed under Afghanistan, Africa, Asia, Christianity, Geopolitics, Government, Humor, Iraq, Libya, Middle East, North Africa, Radical Islam, Regional, Religion, South America, South Asia, Syria, USA, Venezuela, War

High-Quality US Poll: What’s the First Word That Comes to Your Mind When You Think of Donald Trump?

From Quinnipac University poll May 10, 2017. The poll asked people what word first comes to their mind when they thought of Donald Trump. The most frequent first word was idiot. Incompetent and liar were 2nd and 3rd. Unqualified was 5th, and further down were ignorant, egotistical and assshole at 9th, 10th and 11th. I am shocked that so many Americans answered asshole on a national poll. This is too funny.

9. What is the first word that comes to mind when you think of Donald Trump? (Numbers are not percentages. Figures show the number of times each response was given. This table reports only words that were mentioned at least five times.)
idiot 39
incompetent 31
liar 30
leader 25
unqualified 25
president 22
strong 21
businessman 18
ignorant 16
egotistical 15
asshole 13
stupid 13
arrogant 12
trying 12
bully 11
business 11
narcissist 11
successful 11
disgusting 10
great 10
clown 9
dishonest 9
racist 9
American 8
bigot 8
good 8
money 8
smart 8
buffoon 7
con-man 7
crazy 7
different 7
disaster 7
rich 7
despicable 6
dictator 6
aggressive 5
blowhard 5
decisive 5
embarrassment 5
evil 5
greedy 5
inexperienced 5
mental 5
negotiator 5
patriotism 5

33 Comments

Filed under Humor, Politics, Regional, Republicans, US Politics, USA

Is There Any Way to Sustain Emotional Self-Expression?

ZE: Is there any way to sustain emotional self-expression?

I think most people do it anyway because most folks seem to be pretty emotional. They go around expressing their emotions all the time anyway, unless you are getting at something different from quotidian emotionalizing here.

For me, to sustain it, I would have to keep writing because writing expresses my emotions best.

Humor is a good way to express emotions. As long as you are communicating with humans, you can make humorous comments that express emotion very well.

It also helps to be a systematizing thinker.

The more you can systematize, the more wisdom you obtain, and the best emotional expression is in the form of wisdom.

And art.

And then humor.

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Filed under Art, Humor, Psychology, Writing

Asthma Attack

Felt tightness in my chest. I was wondering if my blood pressure was going up (I have hypertension) or I was getting heart problems. Then I figured it out. I had the window open and there is so much damn smoke from all the fighting going on outside that the smoke was coming in my window and giving me an asthma attack!

Dang!

Hope the battle is over soon.

7 Comments

Filed under American, Culture, Health, Humor

Thinking of Applying for a Job

Thinking of applying for a job as a Fake News Reporter. What do you all think? Think there are a lot of openings? I would think so. I wonder how well they pay? Any benefits?

19 Comments

Filed under Humor, Journalism

War Outside My Apartment

Apparently there are two enemy armies along with some associated militia fighting right outside my window. I hear a lot of small arms fire, some artillery rounds and what sounds like some RPG’s. No bombing yet though. I fear might be some IED’s later on. A VBIED sounds like a nightmare. I’m afraid there might be one around midnight.

God knows what these idiots are fighting over. Probably religion like they always do.

I sure hope they don’t kill me.

Happy Fourth of July everyone! Don’t get blown up anything!

1 Comment

Filed under American, Culture, Humor

Confused Old Man Named POTUS Wanders away from His Limousine

Secret Service had to show him the way back to his car. Too bad they didn’t direct Lord Marmalade straight to the nearest busy highway.

He did the same thing at a recent European conference. He got confused and someone had to show him where the exit to the stage is.

The car was right in his ugly orange face and he walked right by it. As if there might be some other limo parked right outside Airforce One. “I’m sorry, Mr. Trump, this limo is for Elon Musk. Yours is over there.”

Jesus Christ! Grandpa has dementia! Man, that’s really scary thinking this sundowning old man has the nuclear codes! Gramps is getting to the point where he needs a full-time caregiver. He never was very smart to start with, but now he has the attention span of a goldfish and the IQ of a french fry.

That’s crazy. People around the Net are saying that that was the first symptom that their grandmother or grandfather showed of dementia – wandering off exactly like this.

Is there some way we could help this guy wander right off the face of the Earth? Too bad the Earth isn’t flat like most of his supporters believe, huh?

Trump for Prison 2017!

 

5 Comments

Filed under Health, Humor, Illness, Politics, Republicans, US Politics

President Shitstain

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Happy Fourth of July everyone! And I especially wish a Happy Fourth to my President, President Shitstain!

Believe it or not, that is a real photo, not a Photoshop. He actually did shit his pants on the green, or on the green and brown I guess. Maybe when he golfs they should call the Putting Green the Pooping Green instead.

6 Comments

Filed under Humor, Politics, Republicans, US Politics

Jews Don’t Control the US Media or Anything Like That!

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God I love that Jew icon so much! Le Happy Merchant is the coolest Jewish icon ever. Everything I see him, I can’t stop laffin. I would almost like to make him my personal icon if I could. That’s how cool he is! Happy Merchant I love you!

No way! Jews don’t run the media! They have nothing to do with it at all! And if you say they do, you’re a Nazi! I guess scientific fact is Nazism then? The Jews need to rewrite their propaganda. When the truth is Nazism and Nazism is the truth, it’s not a good day for the days. Sorry, it just isn’t. Jews! Get back to your machinations! Your old lies are failing badly. Come up with some new ones quick! Your God Bernays is rolling in his grave!*

*Edward Bernays, the man who invented Public Relations (making up stories and lies for paying clients) and propaganda (a synonym for modern Western “journalism”), was Jewish. Isn’t that incredible? The man who literally created lying for money and the concept of political propaganda was Jewish! No way! Jewish are honest! They never lie! Like, ever. Say it ain’t so, Jew!

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Filed under Conspiracy Theories, Humor, Jews, Journalism, Race/Ethnicity, Regional, Sociology, The Jewish Conspiracy To Subject Humankind, USA