Category Archives: Humor

Corpse Landmarks on Mount Everest

I don’t care about all the fools who died climbing Mt. Everest or K2. Actually K2 has killed quite a few more people than Everest. The people who got killed climbing Everest are still sitting there on that mountain, frozen human hot dogs on an icebox mountain. I’m not sure what it means that they are still there. Maybe there is no way to go get the body. Those bodies are actually marked on maps and are used as landmarks by people climbing the mountain!

Can you believe it? You are looking at a map climbing Everest and your friend points in the distance at this darker colored object on the mountain. That’s Climber #74 over there. We call him Human Frozen Burrito for short. It’s on the map. Find Human Burrito on the map, and you can figure out where we are on this infernal mountain.

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Filed under Asia, China, Death, Humor, Regional, South Asia, Tibet

He’s Dead, Jim

A little edification for your Monday.

You’re welcome.

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Filed under Humor, Pop Culture

The Girlfriend Application

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Girlfriend application.

Anything we can add here, guys?

Here’s one:

Do you have a gag reflex? Yes_____  No_____

Any more?

 

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Filed under Gender Studies, Heterosexuality, Humor, Man World, Psychology, Romantic Relationships, Sex

Just Flew to Turkey Last Night

Last night I went to Turkey for a Linguistics Conference! It was only a dream, but so what! I tell you what, I definitely saved on the airfare flying there in REM time!

Anyway, let’s hear what happened!

Dream starts below for you slowpokes:

After a while, I got a pissed off call from my Mom:

“Bob! It says long distance! How much is this going to cost me? What the Hell are you doing in Turkey?”

“I dunno Mom. I didn’t sleep for 18 hours, and I thought, ‘I’m going to Turkey, dammit’,  and next thing I knew I was at the airport, waiting for my plane to Turkey, and here I am.”

“But you didn’t get any sleep! You haven’t slept for 18 hours! Did you sleep on the plane?” (Moms never change.)

“Nope. No sleep on the plane and I’ve been awake since landed. I know I’ve been up for hours, but I don’t care. That’s sort of making it more fun because I’m so sleep deprived, I can I can hardly figure out where I am or what’s going on most of the time.”

“Where did you get the money? You just spent all your money!” (Like I said, Moms never change.)

“Yeah, I dunno about that Mom. Somehow I had X dollars before I left, and now I still have X dollars. It’s like the flight didn’t even cost anything. I have no idea how that happened. I don’t get it.” (Actually I do get it. Airplane flights can be totally free in dreams. Isn’t that cool?)

What do you mean it didn’t cost anything!  That doesn’t even make sense!” (I told you they never change.)

“I have no idea, Mom. Maybe someone paid for it? Maybe the organizers paid for the ticket? I really have no idea.”

“Well, have fun!” (It sounds more like a demand than a wish, but I told you they never change.)

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Filed under Humor

Goddamn Feminists Are Changing the Dictionary!

These witches are really starting to get on my nerves. My entire life, I always thought that harass was two words.

In fact, I don’t give a damn how evil it makes me for saying it, but those have always been two of my favorite words in the English language. Harass. The loveliest two words in the English language!

When my mind wandered at work, at home or at play, it often wandered to harass. At night I dreamed of sugar plum fairies and sugar and spice and everything nice and a partridge in a pear tree, but when sweet dreams were not made of this, I dreamed of harass. Harass, harass, and more harass. Whole beaches of harass in tiny bikinis. Fat bottomed girls of harass. A grabass full of harass. On and on harass. Once again harass. Again and again harass. To sleep and wake harass. To live and die harass. To wish upon a star harass.

Now the feminists say this is one word, not two! Bitches! They want to rewrite the damned dictionary! You harridans! Now you’re messing with the OED! You shrikes don’t know you’re messing with, do you? We’ll see you harpies in court! You shrews think you can mess with our damned words now? You ain’t seen nothin, baby! You just wait! We men are coming for our words!

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Filed under Feminism, Gender Studies, Heterosexuality, Humor, Sex

#metoo

The #metoo campaign is tragic. So many women and even girls have been harassed, assaulted, raped, not-raped, regret-raped, blackout-raped, retard-raped, crazy-raped, semi-raped, partially raped, kinda sorta maybe almost raped, remembered it in a therapist’s office-raped, cat-callled, pinched, touched, hugged, kissed, felt up and down and all around, propositioned with horrific lewdness and audacity, molested, semi-molested, barely molested, sort of molested, leered at, asked out on dates, subjected to horrific sexual jokes, been asked for their numbers, been looked at, stared at, glanced at, winked at, waved at, all in all, simply subjected to the disgusting and vile sex drives of heterosexual men…

So many women-children are damaged, harmed, ruined, in perma-therapy, PTSD’d, anorgasmic, turned lesbian separatist, gone lezbo, enfrigidized, experienced flashbacks, and  had unwanted sex so many times they could not count them, were subjected to innumerable unwanted orgasms, withered under the penetrating malevolence of the male gaze, and consented when they could not consent for a zillion unheard of reasons. They are basket cases, drunks, drug addicts, sex addicts, cutters, self-harmers, Borderlines, crybabies, permanent girl-children, and  women who never put on their big girl pants, crying like little girls all the way to their deathbeds.

It’s all such a tragedy. We men are pigs. How dare we have a sex drive! Disgusting!

So with that I say me too!

Me too – I got females drunk just so I could screw them. Me too –  I lied, charmed, fooled, conned, tricked, and played countless females into bed, just to be evil and for no other reason. Me too – I pouted, argued, and barked out orders to them. Me too – I kissed them aggressively, crudely, and wickedly. Me too – I pawed at their tender breasts like a wild animal. Me too – I grabbed them by the pussy so many times it become second nature. Me too – I pestered them when they spent the night in my bed and refused to put out.

Me too – I played grabass with them for hours while they wandered around my place refusing to put out. Me too – I tried to seduce my female maids. Me too –  I cheated on my girlfriends just to be a dick. Me too – I gave my girlfriends STD’s, then laughed and said, “Don’t ever say I never gave you anything!” Me too – I was a creepy, predator pedophile with girls aged 14-17 from age 18-20.

Me too – my motto is, “If there’s grass on the field, play ball, boys (as long as it’s legal)!” Me too – I continued to date teenage girls (legal ones) all the way to edge of age 59. Me too – I’m a sick fuck and damn proud of it. Me too – I watched porn for years, harming many fake women in the process. Me too – I bought a whore once or twice. Me too – I used women for sex and vice versa. Me too – If you’re in my apartment, ladies, you’re in enemy territory – there’s the door, and you can always leave.

Me too – I never asked  permission to do much of anything sexual to a woman outside of bed. Me too – guys who have to ask permission to kiss a chick or touch her tits are faggots. Me too – I realize teenage girls are all sexless virgins with no sex drives who play with Barbie Dolls. Me too – I realize that no female anywhere can probably truly consent to sex at any time and place. Me too – I realize that all sex is rape, and all men are rapists. Me too – I have done more than my part 50 times over to perpetuate nonexistent rape culture.

Below is my own heartfelt metoo statement, showing my solidarity with all the wymmyn out there who have been so horribly harmed by us evil, gross, pig straight men.

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Filed under Gender Studies, Heterosexuality, Humor, Man World, Mass Hysterias, Sex

Columbus Day: You Got a Problem?

Well, which is it? It was Columbus Day until we found out how terribly this first of the invaders treated the Indians. And he did treat them badly. Well, it is mostly his men, but he stood by, watched and let them do it. Check out Bartolomeo de Casas, if you can stomach it. Nasty stuff.

And so the proposal is to change the name of the holiday from Columbus Day to Indigenous People’s Day.

How do the people feel about this change? Well let’s do a survey of some typical men on the street so we can see how they feel about the proposed changes.

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“Uh. The name of the holiday is Columbus Day, punks! Columbus Day, you hear me? Columbus Day! You got a problem wit dat? Huh? Answer me punk!”

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Filed under American, Amerindians, Culture, History, Humor, Italians, Race/Ethnicity, Regional, The Americas, USA, Whites

How To Figure Out If You’re Smart Or Not

Not that it matters anyway as dumb people seem to have a lot more fun, but a lot of especially young folks are all twisted akimbo this way and that, mentally contorting themselves with anxieties about whether they are smart enough.

First of all.

Most humans are pretty damn smart. Even most people who seem like idiots are probably smarter than you think. Don’t believe me? Go talk to one of those “idiots.” Come back and let me know how it went. See what I mean?*

*Don’t try this with Mexicans. You’ll be disappointed. Mexicans as a race have perfected the ultimate in pure, studious ignorance. They smugly wear it, chin high in the air, like a flag on their damned lapels. But they seem to enjoy life anyway, so who cares really?

Ok now that we got the preliminaries out of the way, what does the question mean? You don’t want to know if you’re smart. You’re human. We know you’re smart (unless you’re a Mexican).

What you are asking in this question is this: Am I a lot smarter than just about everyone else?

Let’s get the outliers out of the way first of all. Can you do differential equations in your head? Preferably while having sex? And not only that, but wild acrobatic sex?** If you are answer yes, you can stop reading right now and take a seat at the front of the stage while we finish our presentation. Yeah you’re smart. Your brain burns brighter than Alpha Centauri.

OK, dirty little secret. Here’s how you do it. Are people always telling you you’re smart? Ok. That means you’re smart. No really. People are more honest than you think. Most people don’t go around telling idiots that they’re smart. Most idiots don’t care anyway, so why lie?

Now. Are you people always telling you, drop-jawed, wide-eyed, stunned, head-shakingly incredulous and saying stuff like, “You’re the smartest person I know…You’re like a human encyclopedia…You’re real smart – real smart. I can’t believe how smart you are. You’re smart as Hell!” And best of all, “Ever since I met you, everyone I meet seems dumb.”

Ok, now you’re not just smart. You’re real smart. Like real, real, real, real smart. Like smarter than 99% of the damned population. Like genius IQ smart.

And now you may feel free to crash and burn your life into the most glorious of ruins, just like me. You’re a shooting star.

Pick up that glass thing over there. Tip it to your lips. Raise it in a roaring cheer. And drink to the wreckage. The spectacular wreckage.

Good night, everyone. Good night.

**One of the most famous geniuses of our modern era, with a stratospheric IQ score at least in childhood, was yet another infamous William Sidis-like burnout. She dropped out completely, disdained all further studies and pretentious notions of a professional career and decided instead to work as a prostitute. In her particular case, a high class call girl. And it’s true. She used to impress her clients by doing differential equations in her head in the middle of the wildest sex acts. Now that’s an act that’s hard to beat.

They say your IQ is useless unless you use it. Differential equations in your head while performing Houdiniesque sex? What? Einstein? Take a seat over there. The lady has the stage now, dammit! Now if that ain’t using your Goddamned IQ, then I don’t know what is.

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Filed under Humor, Intelligence, Psychology

Liberation Anyone?

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Here we come Venezuela. It’s America, here to bring freedom and democracy! Open up! Let us in! We are the harbingers of freedom and human rights, so you need to be liberated with democracy so we can give you some human rights and freedom and all that jazz. And after we liberate you, boy will you have a lot of human rights! Oh man! If you survive our genocidal liberation that is!

Honestly, I just cannot understand why Venezuelan ingrates do not want to get liberated like all the rest of the countries we liberated with freedom and democracy lately. What’s 500,000-1.5 million dead if you get wonderful democracy in the end? I’m sure the Libyans, Syrians and Iraqis all appreciate that wonderful democracy we gave them.

Not to mention the Afghanis. Hell, only ~1 million of them have died since we invaded? And look at the great democracy they have now! Good thing Afghanistan is not a failed state or anything like that! Whew, we really dodged a bullet there, huh?

Syria still needs liberating, a work in progress, but isn’t it a great thing? Isn’t it better to be ruled by the Arab Spring of democracy and freedom in the areas ruled by ISIS, Al Qaeda and other radical jihadis? They allow lots of freedom and democracy in those places, I bet! Better than living under that evil dictator Assad. Can you imagine the gall of that man? He actually lets the Syrian Christians survive instead of killing them, evicting them and making them pay the jizya like the jihadist freedom fighters in ISIS and Al Qaeda do! Outrageous!

I’m sure glad we haven’t turned Syria into a failed state and a nightmare on Earth. We Americans are too nice to do that. After all, we are good. We are always good. It’s only our enemies who are bad, and they are always pure evil. Everything is black and white! America is always pure good, and its enemies are always pure evil. I’m sure glad everything is so simple! Otherwise I might get confused! After all, I’m just an idiot American! Forgive me if I can’t think! No one ever taught me to!

Iraq is already free. Yay! Freedom! Freedom fries! Down with the French! Down with the Eurotrash and their pussy human rights crap! What’s all this crap about saving lives? America isn’t here to save lives. We’re here to do the opposite. To bring freedom and democracy! Yay!

Isn’t freedom great? Bombs going off all the time, full-blown war and atrocities every time you look out the window, actual genocides going on…wow! Who wouldn’t trade a dictatorship for such wonderful things?

And look at Libya! Good thing it’s not a failed state or anything like that!

America doesn’t create failed states. We create democracies! Yay! Yay for democracy! Yay for freedom! Yay for Humanitarian Bombing! Yay for democracy at gunpoint in a hail of bullets with a side order of genocide to go! God I love America.

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! 

We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one!

 

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Filed under Afghanistan, Africa, Asia, Christianity, Geopolitics, Government, Humor, Iraq, Libya, Middle East, North Africa, Radical Islam, Regional, Religion, South America, South Asia, Syria, USA, Venezuela, War

High-Quality US Poll: What’s the First Word That Comes to Your Mind When You Think of Donald Trump?

From Quinnipac University poll May 10, 2017. The poll asked people what word first comes to their mind when they thought of Donald Trump. The most frequent first word was idiot. Incompetent and liar were 2nd and 3rd. Unqualified was 5th, and further down were ignorant, egotistical and assshole at 9th, 10th and 11th. I am shocked that so many Americans answered asshole on a national poll. This is too funny.

9. What is the first word that comes to mind when you think of Donald Trump? (Numbers are not percentages. Figures show the number of times each response was given. This table reports only words that were mentioned at least five times.)
idiot 39
incompetent 31
liar 30
leader 25
unqualified 25
president 22
strong 21
businessman 18
ignorant 16
egotistical 15
asshole 13
stupid 13
arrogant 12
trying 12
bully 11
business 11
narcissist 11
successful 11
disgusting 10
great 10
clown 9
dishonest 9
racist 9
American 8
bigot 8
good 8
money 8
smart 8
buffoon 7
con-man 7
crazy 7
different 7
disaster 7
rich 7
despicable 6
dictator 6
aggressive 5
blowhard 5
decisive 5
embarrassment 5
evil 5
greedy 5
inexperienced 5
mental 5
negotiator 5
patriotism 5

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Filed under Humor, Politics, Regional, Republicans, US Politics, USA