confused male writes:
Hi, I am really confused. I identify myself as a gay male, I am still not out of the closet. I have been in love with my best Friend for about 3 years now, but I don’t know if he’s gay. I do feel a kind of gay vibe coming off from him, he does kind of act attracted to me. He does sometimes start talking about particular woman, that they are pretty or that he would want to have with that woman. I don’t know if he does that on purpose so that nobody would suspect him being gay.He also kind of likes to ”touch” me and other male friends, which make it extra confusing. He does show interest in me, but I am just not sure. About two years ago he asked me if i was gay, of course I panicked and said that I obviously wasn’t gay. We had pretty long conversations at night, normally you wouldn’t want to talk too long to a certain person if you weren’t attracted to them. Sorry for my bad English. I hoped that you maybe had some tips or if you would know if he is gay or not.
But the catch is that he had a female crush, he doesn’t talk about her anymore. But I sometimes think he made the female crush part up, so that he could make me jealous. Even though he did confess to her, but it al seemed really fishy, even the confession.
I am thinking this guy is either straight or leans straight. Never met a gay man who had a crush on a woman or who even talked about them very much or at all. He seems to at least lean straight.
I would like to thank you for not perving on this probably straight male with endless persterings for sex was so many gay men to do straight men. You showed a lot of self-restraint and decency here. Also it is quite interesting that a gay man and a straight man can be such good friends, but I had a couple of friends who were gay. Catch was they were not out of the closet yet so there was no way to tell. Further they were suppressing their homosexual interests so well that you could not pick that up.
Have you asked him what his sexual orientation is?
What are you afraid of? If you come out to him, he will end the friendship? You might even be able to continue this very interesting friendship after you come out, after all, you have been a gay man and a straight man who were best friends for 3 years, which is rather unusual.
I doubt if he is very gay at all, but a lot of basically straight young men do indeed play for the other team somewhat when they are young anyway. I have a feeling that if you make a play for him, it will not work out right.
There are probably straight men who like to put their hands on other men, though it is a bit weird. If one of my straight leaning friends liked to put his hands on me, I might wonder if he had some bisexual tendencies. In other words,. I have a feeling that this guy is either a 100-0 like most men or at most he is a 90-10 or and 80-20. These types are very common in the straight male population.
100-0: Maximum heterosexual, minimum homosexual
90-10: Maximum heterosexual, incidental homosexual
80-20: Maximum heterosexual, significant homosexual
70-30: Maximum heterosexual, strong homosexual
60-40: Maximum heterosexual, very strong strong homosexual
50-50: Maximum heterosexual, maximal homosexual
40-60: Maximum homosexual, very strong heterosexual
30-70: Maximum homosexual, strong heterosexual
20-80: Maximum homosexual, significant heterosexual
10-90: Maximum homosexual, incidental heterosexual
As far as having long talks deep into the night, I used to do that with some of my male friends. I used to go over to their house every night where one guy worked on his model railroad track and I would hang out with him in his garage until it was time to go home around 9 or 10. And with another guy, I used to go over to his house almost every night where we would watch TV, usually basketball games,. with as bunch of other guys. We would often smoke pot too. Once again, I would go home at 10 or so. With another guy, we would go out together, often ice skating, and then come home and have these long wild talks out in front of his house where we talked about everything under the sun. These talks would go on until 1 or 2 AM.
So what I am saying is that in deep straight male friendships, there can be long talks in to the night, and it doesn’t necessarily mean much.
There can also be some sexual attraction between straight male friends. I have seen this before. I am not sure whether these guys are 90-1o’ or 80-20’s who are not covering it up well (some seriously bisexual straight-leaning men can suppress their homosexual side very well) or whether these are 100-0’s who are expressing what I call “leakage.” Leakage is based on the idea that sexual feelings are simply energy – sexual energy. And energy wants to go some-lace. It doesn’t like to be bottled up. So if you bottle4 it up or perhaps for other reasons, sometimes it seemed like when I was with another straight man. Tis often happens when you are alone with another guy – I remember with one very macho guy we were up lately at night doing the most cocaine I have ever done in a night and I started getting these vibes from him. I ignored them, as I figured it was just leakage. With young men, when they are deprived of women for long periods of time, they get a lot of sexual energy bottled up. And this energy wants to come out, so it fills up the body and then begins “leaking” out. When sexual energy leaks out, it seeks whatever objects are nearby to fasten onto. If you are a straight man with a lot of bottled up leakage coming out and you are around a bunch of guys, it will leak out and attach itself to the men around ou even if you are straight and that energy is programmed to be attracted to females.
I do not know if you are aware of this, but two straight men can form very deep and passionate relationships. I mean very deep friendships that border on love. The only thing missing is sexual attraction a a phobia about gay sex. I have had some male best friends who I felt so deeply for that it did seem a type of love, but different from familial lover of the lover you feel for a woman. I remember on e guy who I used to think, “You know what? If I were gay, I think I would fuck this guy. That’s how close I feel towards him.”
But I had no sexual interest in him, and anyway both of us are quite straight with a serious phobia about gay sex such that there could never be anything sexual between us. I don’t even fantasize about men and never have. In fact, with these deep straight male friendships, it often seems that one of the things that makes it so deep is that you refrain from having sex with each other. You just take that off the table and pour all that excess energy into pure platonic friendship. I used to think that having sex with these guys even one time would ruin everything.
I guess my feeling is that this guy is a 100-0 or at most a 90-10 or 80-20 (probably more likely the other two). I do not have any more advice to give you. Maybe the commenters can give you some better advice.