Daily Archives: September 15, 2017

How To Figure Out If You’re Smart Or Not

Not that it matters anyway as dumb people seem to have a lot more fun, but a lot of especially young folks are all twisted akimbo this way and that, mentally contorting themselves with anxieties about whether they are smart enough.

First of all.

Most humans are pretty damn smart. Even most people who seem like idiots are probably smarter than you think. Don’t believe me? Go talk to one of those “idiots.” Come back and let me know how it went. See what I mean?*

*Don’t try this with Mexicans. You’ll be disappointed. Mexicans as a race have perfected the ultimate in pure, studious ignorance. They smugly wear it, chin high in the air, like a flag on their damned lapels. But they seem to enjoy life anyway, so who cares really?

Ok now that we got the preliminaries out of the way, what does the question mean? You don’t want to know if you’re smart. You’re human. We know you’re smart (unless you’re a Mexican).

What you are asking in this question is this: Am I a lot smarter than just about everyone else?

Let’s get the outliers out of the way first of all. Can you do differential equations in your head? Preferably while having sex? And not only that, but wild acrobatic sex?** If you are answer yes, you can stop reading right now and take a seat at the front of the stage while we finish our presentation. Yeah you’re smart. Your brain burns brighter than Alpha Centauri.

OK, dirty little secret. Here’s how you do it. Are people always telling you you’re smart? Ok. That means you’re smart. No really. People are more honest than you think. Most people don’t go around telling idiots that they’re smart. Most idiots don’t care anyway, so why lie?

Now. Are you people always telling you, drop-jawed, wide-eyed, stunned, head-shakingly incredulous and saying stuff like, “You’re the smartest person I know…You’re like a human encyclopedia…You’re real smart – real smart. I can’t believe how smart you are. You’re smart as Hell!” And best of all, “Ever since I met you, everyone I meet seems dumb.”

Ok, now you’re not just smart. You’re real smart. Like real, real, real, real smart. Like smarter than 99% of the damned population. Like genius IQ smart.

And now you may feel free to crash and burn your life into the most glorious of ruins, just like me. You’re a shooting star.

Pick up that glass thing over there. Tip it to your lips. Raise it in a roaring cheer. And drink to the wreckage. The spectacular wreckage.

Good night, everyone. Good night.

**One of the most famous geniuses of our modern era, with a stratospheric IQ score at least in childhood, was yet another infamous William Sidis-like burnout. She dropped out completely, disdained all further studies and pretentious notions of a professional career and decided instead to work as a prostitute. In her particular case, a high class call girl. And it’s true. She used to impress her clients by doing differential equations in her head in the middle of the wildest sex acts. Now that’s an act that’s hard to beat.

They say your IQ is useless unless you use it. Differential equations in your head while performing Houdiniesque sex? What? Einstein? Take a seat over there. The lady has the stage now, dammit! Now if that ain’t using your Goddamned IQ, then I don’t know what is.

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Filed under Humor, Intelligence, Psychology

Thank God for Defense Mechanisms

Hey. Sublimation is nothing new. Churchill could have been Hitler.

– Me, 2017.

Discuss.

2 Comments

Filed under Psychology

Shitty Pretentious Thought of the Day

The purpose of life is not to live in reality. The purpose of life is to escape reality. Dammit.

Screw all that grab life by the horns crap. The Hell with reality.

Think about it. You just know I’m right.

If you’re a man with a pretty face and a dash of bad boy debonair, get your head full of a bunch of shitty pretentious thoughts like that, corral a comely female with a smile near you, put a few drinks in her, turn on the Game/Magic, and start rattling off aphorisms like this. Add a dash of delicious twinkle in the eye and an air of lofty, omnipotent, devil may care gravitas.

Watch her eyes dance in the lights with every word. Listen to the tinkle of her laugh. Marvel at the toss of her hair.

Catch that music. Follow the dancing ball. Now that you’ve got the rhythm, you can’t go wrong.

And now you rule the world. Don’t lie. You know you do.

No matter who or where you are, you will not sleep alone tonight.

And so this piece, which began with one shitty pretentious thought, doth end with yet another.

See you in the Morning of No Regrets!

1 Comment

Filed under Philosophy, Romantic Relationships

Talking Heads, “Heaven”

From 1979!

Great song! This is one of my all-time favorite bands. They were one of the first punk/new wave bands out, in their case out of the New York art school scene. All band members met in art school. David Byrne is a damned genius, and everyone else in the band was also very smart. I always loved Tina Weymouth, the chick on guitar. Their first album was actually called More Songs about Buildings and Food and was usually listed as a punk album alongside the Clash, the Pistols, etc. though they were always more weird and arty than punk.

Fear of Music, which this song is off, was the second album. It came out in 1979. It’s one of the best rock music albums ever made! This song is great, but really they are all great. The whole album is great from start to finish.

If you have never heard of this band, check them out. They’re glorious.

N.B. I saw the Talking Heads live at UCLA of all places in the summer of 1979 with some friends of mine. This was one of the first punk rock shows in LA. There were a lot of arty/nerdy college kid types there. UCLA is a very selective school, and you can’t get in unless you are wicked smart.

It was a great show! Oingo Boingo (if you have heard of them) were also there. That is another great old punk/new wave band from the old days.

Here are the lyrics. Even if you’re an atheist, it’s as great a song about Death and Heaven as has ever been written.

“Heaven – heaven is a place. A place where nothing – nothing ever happens.”

I’m not quite sure this is what the authors of the Bible had in mind, or, Hell, maybe they did. World-weariness is a thing as old as our race (and it’s always just a bit charming, especially in a handsome man of a certain age). It didn’t just sprout up in the age of Information Overload. No matter how much you love to run, you always reach a point where you just can’t go anymore, and you’ve just got to lie down, dammit. And I’ll be damned if it doesn’t feel good.

I was talking to a friend once, about death. What else is there to talk about, after all? All roads lead to the same destination. Think about it.

I asked him if he was scared.

“I don’t know Bob. I’m tired, Bob.”

Sure. Well, yeah. No train runs forever. They all run out of steam at some point, and there’s always an end of every line.

Then again, maybe Heaven is like a Chili’s where they never quite run out of applewood bacon. Which, you’ve got to admit, would be pretty cool right there, n’est pas? Better than most of my life anyway.

Last call! Last call!

Last call for alcohol! Last call for alcohol!

Hurry up boys, it’s time! Hurry up boys, it’s time!

See ya all on the other side!

Everyone is trying
To get to the bar
The name of the bar
The bar is called Heaven

The band in Heaven
Plays my favorite song
They play it once again
They play it all night long

Heaven
Heaven is a place
A place where nothing
Nothing ever happens

Heaven
Heaven is a place
A place where nothing
Nothing ever happens

There is a party
Everyone is there
Everyone will leave
At exactly the same time

It’s hard to imagine
That nothing at all
Could be so exciting
Could be this much fun.

Heaven
Heaven is a place
A place where nothing
Nothing ever happens

Heaven
Heaven is a place
A place where nothing
Nothing ever happens

Heaven
Heaven is a place
A place where nothing
Nothing ever happens

Heaven
Heaven is a place
A place where nothing
Nothing ever happens

When this kiss is over
It will start again
It will not be any different
It will be exactly the same

It’s hard to imagine
That nothing at all
Could be so exciting
Could be this much fun.

Heaven
Heaven is a place
A place where nothing
Nothing ever happens

Heaven
Heaven is a place
A place where nothing
Nothing ever happens

Heaven
Heaven is a place
A place where nothing
Nothing ever happens

Heaven
Heaven is a place
A place where nothing
Nothing ever happens

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Filed under California, Music, Punk, Regional, Rock, USA, West