You Can’t Win

If anyone asked me for my general view of life, this would be it.

Humans have a tremendous potential for shittiness and just generally being awful. And when they get like this, there is typically no way to turn them around. Often you just have to walk out the door and come back another day when they are in a better mood. It is seldom possible to determine why someone is being a shit, and most people will deny it if you bring it up.

Or they will get angry. Or they will say, “Well, I am being a shit because you are making me this way!” You sit back and think, “OK, how am I making this person act like a shit?” And you can never think of one single thing. You can try to change your behavior in a thousand ways to try to pull them out of it, and usually nothing works. And you will often never find out what is bothering them. If you can’t figure out what’s bothering them, how can you fix it? Even if you can figure out what’s bothering them, it’s some internal issue that you can do nothing about. You can try everything, compliment them, give them money, you name it, and usually nothing works.

Generally this is something internal to the person. Usually you have done nothing wrong except show up and offer up your face as a punching bag. There’s no use trying to make a person feel bad about being a shit. You act mean back, and now they will act twice as bad. Go submissive? Fails. Turn quiet? It sort of works, but then it turns into an ugly scene where they are not talking, and they have this look that says, “Thank God you are not talking to me, you little shit!” You can walk out the door without saying goodbye to shame them, and usually their attitude will be, “Yeah, and fuck you too! You’re leaving! Good!” They never feel any guilt about their behavior and it’s always 100% justified.

Anger is one of the hardest things to pull people out of. Anger and hate feel good. They make you feel strong, and if you are not used to feeling strong, the feeling is very empowering. Once people are told they are being angry and unpleasant, they almost never stop doing it. Generally they deny it and say they are not the slightest bit angry at all. They will throw it at you. “Oh you are just too sensitive!” They will chalk it up to humor: “I’m just being funny. Don’t I get to laugh every now and then?” Then they will get a hurt look on their face like you’re so mean, you won’t even let them laugh. You are so cruel!

You tend to get a lot of projection in these cases. So the person is sitting there being a shit, and you are wracking your mind trying to figure out how to pull them out of it, and pretty soon they start accusing you of being mean and angry. This is completely mystifying unless you can figure out that they are projecting.

Almost all the time, the anger is internal to the person. They never want to admit that, and they project their anger onto you as you are the nearest object to project it onto. If you mention that the anger is internal to them, they get furious and deny it. But it’s usually something going on with them. Something in their lives is stressing them out, driving them crazy, or making them despairing, hopeless, and impotent. There seems to be nothing they can do and no way out. They’re screwed, and it’s not their fault. It’s never their fault. It’s always those other bad people who laid all this misery at their innocent feet. Here we have the denial + projection combination that is very common.

When you are with someone like this, sometimes you can wait it out. I had a girlfriend who was like that for about the first eight hours of the day. I tried hundreds of ways of  responding to it, and nothing worked. You couldn’t even mention she was being a shit. Of course, she would deny it and get furious. You just had to wait out the first eight hours of torture and the final eight hours of the day were typically quite pleasant if not on top of the world. So the relationship was pleasant ~50% of the time, which is actually not bad as far as relationships go.

Usually you just have to leave. Just walk out the door. Don’t call them again. Wait until they call you. Tell yourself that they have a wild hair up your ass, you did nothing wrong, and it’s not your fault. Sooner or later they will call you back. No doubt they will be very nice and friendly. Accept their friendliness and never mention that they were a complete shit the last time. That conversation is sure to go nowhere, and now their nice mood will turn ugly pretty fast.

The principal goal of life is try to try to manipulate other humans, yeah that’s right, I said manipulate, so that they are shitty a minimum amount of the time and they are pleasant a maximum amount of the time. If you hope to have relationships with other people with no fights, you will never have a friend. If you hope to have romantic/sexual relationships with no unpleasantness or fights, just hang it up and go live in monastery.

You can have an incredible amount of joy in a deep relationship with deep love and good sex. There’s nothing better. But if you think you are going to get all those highs without paying for it with any lows, you are sadly mistaken. The cruel truth is that the ugliness, fighting, brushfires, forest fires, and general unpleasantness of deep relationships is simply the wages you pay to buy those great times. If don’t want the lows, you will never get the highs. If you want the highs, you will have to pay with the lows. Better to just figure that the only way to get the highs is by earning them through the lows, accept that and make peace with it, and try to focus on the upside of relationships, which can be considerable, while ignoring or philosophizing away the bad stuff as an inevitable wage to buy the gift of the great times.

Love is like a drug.

You pay for your highs with the lows, crashes, withdrawls and hangovers.

20 Comments

Filed under Personality, Philosophy, Psychology, Romantic Relationships

20 responses to “You Can’t Win

  1. dandate2

    Loving humans is a waste of time, instead one can experience love, on demand, directly from the divine, by mastering the yoga of self realization.

    This form of love is identical to the sensation you feel just a few times in your life for other people, but can be achieved every day; perfection is considered always being in this state.

    https://asitis.com/1

    • Magneto

      Holy fuck. I’m a Hare Krsna too.

      Heil PRABHUPADA! He is the Prophet of the modern age. He has given the greatest revelation about God.

  2. Hell is other people – No Exit

  3. Magneto

    This is why people will mistake Robert for a conservative.

    Because liberals have an unrealistically optomistic view of human nature, that we can evolve and become a better species.

    Conservatives have a pessimistic view of human nature, that humans are a flawed species and we must take action to protect ourself from one another.

    The liberal viewpoint is also atheistic and tends to reject God and religion.

    The conservative viewpoint is usually based on religion, that we humans are sinners, etc.

    Needless to say, I understand the truth- that humans are a fucking cancer. That’s why I rejoice when wars happen, because millions of cancerous humans are being removed from this planet.

    And to those who accuse me of racism? No, I think ALL humans are cancer, including whites. I just think that white people and east Asians are a little bit LESS cancerous than other races like Indians, Arabs, Africans, and Mexicans.

    • Hate to rain on your parade Magneto, but the Hare Krishna movement you love so much is becoming a lot less white:

      http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/08/05/AR2006080500703.html

      Although I guess that’s one of the privileges that comes with being white– no one will question your religious affiliations 😀. After all, just look at all the controversy surrounding Korean churches!

      • To be fair to the Hare Krishnas, and other Western converts to Hindu reform movements, they disseminated concepts from Hindu philosophy during a time when Indians couldn’t or wouldn’t shoulder the burden. Robert, what do you think of the last Englishman to rule India, also an avowed socialist?

        • Zebra, did you donate? If you haven’t, you have to donate at least $10, and then you comment for life on the greatest blog on the Net. If that’s a hardship, let me know. Or if you already have, let me know.

          TIA.

        • Magneto

          No indian helped Prabhupada until AFTER he went to America and converted a bunch of white people into Hindus. But once white people started becoming Hindus? All of a sudden indians became interested in it again.

          Indians are only good at copycatting the west. They are incapable of creating their own ideas.

      • Magneto

        And Prabhupada DID NOT WANT ISKCON to become an indian hindu organization. He wants white people to become Hindus. But ISKCON has become so corrupt that the leaders of ISKCON simply use the temples to get donations from rich indians. The temples are dead now. Almost no white people join ISKCON anymore and it’s because it’s become such a shitty corrupt organization

    • Trash, you are on moderation now, ok? Yes I know you sneaked back on, but you are being a good boy for now, so we are going to let you stay.

      • Yee

        Trash is capable of posting a single word comment? Unbelievable….

      • Yee

        What is moderation?
        If it means his comment doesn’t appear instantly, he might not know you let it on later, Robert. Just make it back to normal. How well does bribery work in this matter, do you think?

        • LOL why you want to bribe me.

          I am really worried that he is going to go back to his thread derailing ways once I let him off moderation.

          Moderation your comments to to Trash, which is his name anyway so he should not care. Then I go into the Trash and fish out comments all the time. It’s usually good people stuck in the spam bin, but there are also some banned people in there.

        • Yee

          According to Trash, we Chinese always try to bribe people, I might as well live up to the reputation….

          Blogs are for fun anyway, why make things difficult for other people? Life is shitty enough as it is. I have good credit…..

        • Of course I will take a bribe to let him back on un-moderated as long as he’s a good boy. You’ve been one of the greatest supporters of this site. I paid my bills this month, but I need $180 left over to pay next month’s bills early, and I only have $150. So basically I have nothing to spare.

        • Yee

          Good. Now we’re all corrupt…. I love equality.

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